It's been a quiet day, leaving me ample time to think deep thoughts about where I am in life, where I have been and where I want to go next. Usually I'm in perpetual motion, doing what has to be done because, well, it has to be done. But today I did a lot of relaxing with my thoughts. My mind is not something I can shut off too easily. And relaxing isn't something that comes naturally to me.
As I looked over the past year, I've noticed a huge change in my demeanor; what I will tolerate, what I will stand up to and what I will fight for with all that I have. I have allowed people to leave my inner circle because they really didn't belong in there. I have actually tossed some people to the curb who had no business being inside in the first place. And I have embraced people whom I have felt an eternal friendship with even though we've barely met.
I have learned to triage my trials; laughing at mistakes and crying when it hurt too much. I recognized that I love too deeply, but refuse to permit others to hurt me like I have in the past. I have a strong desire to right the wrong, when and where I can. I want to ease the pain and suffering of others when possible. I will contribute until I have no more to give whether it's service, goods or my time. I do not judge to whom I give. If I see a need, I am obligated to change the situation as much as I am able to do so.
This stance of mine absolutely causes some people to take without regard, to exploit without conscience, and abuse without provocation. But that is their story to tell, not mine. What I have noticed this past year is when my children and I were in dire need, nearly everyone we considered our friends and close confidants stood on the sidelines waiting for the dust to settle. They offered trite condolences, but did nothing to relieve the torment. They judged without merit; rumored without full understanding; perpetuated the fear and discord my family felt. Therefore, I eliminated them from my life.
I have also learned to own my voice as never before. Since I'm another year older I realize that I'm closer to being done with my mission here in life than I am at starting it. So, I have a lot of catching up to do. I point out the uncomfortable. I share the crimes against mankind. I speak out against status quo. I voice my opinion. And I have a tendency to piss people off by calling unsavory things to their attention. So be it.
I no longer have use for indifference in my life. I refuse to bow down before anyone, giving my allegiance to someone who doesn't care about anything other than their own wants and needs. I will rant and rave at times if something makes me angry. But I also smile and laugh quite a bit about life, circumstances and people. And at times I've been depressed because I couldn't change the outcome of some things that never should have happened.
I am not disappointed in myself for caring too much, trying too hard, or giving all that I am. Because that is my story to tell. No one can define me except for me. At any given time, people are only given a tiny glimpse of what I allow them to see of my life. I know who I am. I know what I believe. I know what causes me pain and what I can do to stop it. I alone determine how I will react to what happens to me.
If you are part of my life, it's because I care about you. If we have a friendship, it's because we connected where it's most important, in our hearts. If you are reading this, then I have caught your attention for but a moment and allowed you to peek into my soul. And what you do with it is your story to tell.