(This is an open letter to my children; written by me when I was in the ER department after being taken there by an ambulance. of course, they thought the worse.)
The hardest things I’ve ever had to do…
The hardest things that I’ve ever had to do in my life came at a time when I didn’t know what to do, and sometimes without realizing that anything needed to be done.
Events, circumstances, and people caused upheavals, life-altering changes, or just minor adjustments that needed to be addressed, whether or not I wanted to acknowledge it.
The things that have caused me the most grief, stress, and worry always had to do with my children; how to protect, care, and provide for them, even before they were born.
Having known I would be a mother, and desiring to be the best that I could be with what I had to offer, I did the only thing that I knew I could do without failing. I prayed.
I knew at a young age that I would be a chain breaker. I didn’t know why, or even how, but I did know it had to be done. Even before I understood life as I do now, I knew that my posterity was counting on me to be more than I ever thought was possible of me.
I earnestly read the scriptures as a young child and attended whatever church was within walking distance. I was seeking guidance because I have tremendous faith in God.
By the time my first child was born, I knew that I had not even come close to learning the things I needed to overcome. Six children later, and I’m still grappling with the fact that I’m a work in progress. I had suspected that changing the course of my posterity would be difficult. However, one of the hardest things that I ever had to do was to tear down all that I was and to build myself again.
I feel like I have been in construction mode my entire life and although mighty changes have been made, progress it seems to me, has been slow.
I fear that when my time here in mortality is over, I will still be far off from my goal. I am saddened that I couldn’t begin in a better position in order to give my children a better head start.
I wake up constantly during the night and I feel sorrow for what wasn’t accomplished before I grew weary and weak from the day. There didn’t seem to be enough time to show my kids how much I love them and cherish their lives. And yet every breath I take is for them.
My children ultimately saved me. It was the promise of them in my life, the joy when they were born and the daily confirmation that they are here that has me striving to be better every day.
Because of much adversity, chaos, and static in my life, it has taken me awhile to recognize and toil through my many tribulations which I have endured. But I have also been richly blessed.
If I was assigned a task or two, I would complete them easily, with the care and attention they need. Because of that, I was entrusted with numerous responsibilities simultaneously such as autism, asthma, severe allergies and ADHD. It’s like juggling with thirty balls instead of three.
The hardest thing I had to realize was to realize that life is not unlike a scavenger hunt. We are given missions to accomplish, and the means to do so, it just sometimes we just don’t know that. We are too busy living life; eating, sleeping, working, resting, etc. to recognize there are more important things we are meant to achieve.
The hardest thing I’ve had to do was learn to forgive myself. And in order to let go of anger caused by others, by circumstances and difficult situations, I had to forgive others. It is not an event; it is a long, arduous process. And sometimes you aren’t always moving forward in that progress. You can and do fall behind. Picking up old hurts, forgotten habits, and adding to them.
But you can always begin again. Each day is a new beginning to try again. To become who you were meant to be; to bring peace and comfort to others.
The hardest thing I have ever done is to realize this life is a journey. There is not perfection here for us, only progress. It is okay to fall down, but always remember to get back up. Learn from the examples of others. There’s not enough time to make all the mistakes on your own and learn from them as well.
It’s okay to admit faults, failures, and mistakes. That’s the beginning of making things right. Forgive yourself, and move forward. Forgive others, even if they don’t deserve it, because you do. They probably won’t even realize that you have forgiven them. And that is okay, too.
The hardest thing that I have come to realize is that the promises made to you, for the promises kept by you, eventually do come true. Your disappointments, losses, and mishaps are rewarded by happiness, peace, and joy.
Until then, you have to move forward with faith. Believing that each day is a new beginning. Forgive everyone, especially yourself. Appreciate what you have and learn from your trials. Comfort those who stand in need of comforting. And remember your self-worth. You were prayed for long before that became a realization. Remember these things and then maybe you won’t have so many hard things to do.
Love, Mom