January seems an appropriate time for reflection after the end of the year rush of holidays with all of its chores, errands and surprises. As I look back upon my life, I smile at all the memories that made me happy and I try not to dwell on the sad memories; instead I focus on what I learned from them. I do believe that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me that some people can come into your life for a reason, even if only a season, to teach me a lesson that would last me a lifetime.
A few years ago, my life turned upside down, inside out and every which way; once again, taking me far away from my comfort zone. I have always had a hard time trusting others, but then I had to learn how to rely upon people to help me when I couldn’t be everywhere at once. I had to learn to trust God, and more especially, His timing. I had to learn about forgiveness, and then I had to understand how to apply it in my life. I had so much to learn that I didn’t even know that I didn’t know all the things that I should have known. It took me losing everything to realize that I have lost nothing. I have always had what I needed to have within me; I just had to find what it was that I was missing. What I was missing was peace.
To learn the lessons that I needed I had to go back to the beginning. I had to go back to face my demons and to reconcile my past. I had to go back home to where I never felt like I belonged, where I had so much resentment towards my family, specifically my mother; I had to let go of some terrible pain. I imagine that my mother has been pleading with Heavenly Father to allow her to comfort me, to teach me from beyond her grave and beg me for forgiveness. I know this because that’s what I needed to have in order to find the peace that I have longed for my whole life. I have felt her influence in my life recently, comforting me when I cried myself to sleep as I worried about my children I couldn’t protect because they were far from me physically. I had to rely upon others, their prayers, and their guidance to let go of what I couldn’t control and trust that somehow, someway He would protect them for me. I had to discover the art of forgiveness in order to heal my deepest wounds. It was a tall order to fill and I can’t believe that I’ve learned so much in just a few short years; it has taken me a lifetime to realize what I had to do it in order to have peace.
I believe that the core of our essence is spiritual in nature; that we are sent here to physically learn how to control our thoughts, actions, and our words; and make them one with Him. We have to rely upon our instincts, what we have previously learned and then continue to seek His guidance to navigate our lives. Many times we fail to see that the adversities we’re suffering are the areas where we need to grow, change and then share our experiences in order to help others. So many people are deeply anguished with past circumstances that they don’t recognize why they are hurting, so they place blame onto others. But I have discovered in order to heal yourself that you have to accept that all people are fallible. I believe when we meet others that sometimes we expect far too much from them, hoping they will have all the answers and forgetting that they, too, are simply just trying to find their way back home.
I resented that my mother wasn’t as strong as she needed to be for her children, so that made me determined to be everything she wasn’t. I had forgotten to allow grace, the grace I had been granted and then I remembered the nights when she cried herself to sleep after praying. I had forgotten the pain she experienced when she had no one to rely upon while she had her own children depending on her to protect them. I had forgotten what despair looked like on her face; replacing my memories with what she had done wrong, instead of remembering what she had done right.
It took me, learning from my own experiences, to know that we cannot fully understand the depth of sorrow, the unending paralyzation of fear bestowed upon us by the actions of others and the complete disregard of the enormity of our sacrifice until we walk it ourselves. Some people never learn it, however, and therein the problem lies. In trying to make it all better for me, I sacrificed myself to help make it all better for those who weren’t deserving of my time, money, skills, or energy. Nevertheless, I felt compassion and that was my compelling reason for why I helped as many as I have. It wasn’t for nil, I learned a lot from every experience, but the most important lesson that I took away with me is that you cannot fix anyone, you can only love them. Sometimes, you can only love them from a distance. And that is okay as well.
Once I realized that the power to forgive, especially myself, was well within my reach, then I began to feel the power of forgiveness manifest in my own life. I began to understand why people do the things that they shouldn’t do. Not that I condone their behavior, but understanding their behavior is one of the first steps to forgiving the trespasses against me. The second vital truism I applied to my life was that their actions against me don’t define me. By knowing that I can choose not to be like them, and simply walk away from anything that insults my sense and sensibilities. I know who I am, what I’m capable of doing, how hard that I work, and what I do to contribute by sacrificing all that I am to make it all better for those around me. I won’t tolerate insipid people nor will I condemn myself to being treated less than how I deserve. However, the most profound revelation that I have finally discovered was that if your presence can’t add value to my life, then your absence will make no difference.