Why doesn’t she just leave him? He’s obviously abusive and everyone knows it. He wastes all their money on gambling and cheating on her, so why does she put up with him? It isn’t good for the kids, she’s always walking on eggshells, why doesn’t she just get out?
He hit her again because the bank account was overdrawn. It was because he snuck out of the house in the middle of the night and withdrew the money for the mortgage payment to go pick up a hooker and gamble at an all-night casino. But he blamed her for not keeping better records. It was always her fault. Everything was her fault. Even when he went to jail ten years before he met her, it was still her fault. She was too perfect for him and she didn’t deserve to be happy.
She tried to go back to work but every time that she did, he would call her right before she had to leave to tell her he had to work late. Eventually she was let go for missing so much time. Then he yelled at her for not contributing to the household. No matter how many jobs she tried to get he kept her from working and relying upon him. There was never enough money for the bills he kept making, but there was always enough for him to do the things that he wanted to do.
She was finally attending college again after being away from school for decades while raising her children. She enjoyed learning new things and meeting new people. She didn’t have any friends when her children were growing up because her ex-husband didn’t like any of them. He also didn’t like her family. In fact, he didn’t like anything at all about her because she represented everything that he was lacking. But one day she simply had enough and left. She finally felt free to live her life on her own terms.
He said he was different. He understood all about domestic violence because he saw his mother beaten by his father all the time. He used to stand between them when he was only four years old to make them stop fighting. He remembers his dad smashing his mother’s windshield with the end of a shotgun and the glass shattering all over her. He remembered that she couldn’t defend herself anymore, and one day she was gone. His father said that she left him because she didn’t want the family responsibility anymore. Though he knew the truth. He knew his father kicked her out. He knew that it was his father who wouldn’t let his mother be with him. He knew his mom didn’t want to leave her son behind. But he hated her for the lies that his father told to him. And he kept hating her with every woman that he ever met.
She worked up the courage to go to family court to get a restraining order from him. She told the judge what happened and showed him the proof. He told her to get somewhere safe immediately. And not to tell a soul where she was going. She wouldn’t be safe at any of her family or friend’s homes. This paper he signed to protect her was only a piece of paper. It would NOT stop a bullet, a knife or a punch. Do you understand what I am telling you? He yelled at her. He wanted her to understand the gravity of the situation. She sat there at the table in front of the judge sobbing at her new reality.
The commissioner called her a liar. He told her that she was the one who abused him. He was the one who worked and she spent all of his money. He told her that she wasn’t worthy to be a mother and if he could he would take her kids away from her. He took away her protection and gave it to her abuser. This wasn’t the first time that he had done this to a battered woman who walked into his courtroom. And it wouldn’t be the last. Until he was finally removed from the bench.
Over twenty years ago Joe Biden, then a senator from Delaware, introduced the “Violence Against Women Act” (aka VAWA), which was an avenue to address the way our culture failed to protect women. VAWA was introduced to bring the darkness of domestic violence out into the light. It was a way to finally expose the hidden violence that happened behind closed doors. (http://time.com/3319325/joe-biden-violence-against-women/)
Joe Biden called the VAWA his proudest legislative achievement to date. And for the most part it has been very beneficial, for some women. But for many other women, the reality of domestic violence continues to plagued them in every single aspect of their lives. Many aren’t able to obtain employment that allows them to live above the poverty line. They are often made homeless as the child support orders go unheeded and no one is able to bring about compliance.
Many victims of domestic violence are stalked on a regular basis. They are afraid of trusting others because they’ve been let down so many times. Mothers will go without to ensure that their children have what they need. They try to make sure that their children also get some of the things that they want, like yearbooks or books from the school’s book fair.
It is common knowledge that a man and a woman with the same education, degree, job skills, and experience that the woman will earn only 77 cents for every dollar that a man earns. (https://www.whitehouse.gov/equal-pay/career)
Take into consideration that for the majority of women the child rearing, household chores, as well as other normal daily activities further widen the salary gap. Typically single mothers with children live far below the poverty level within the United States of America, even twenty plus years after the VAWA was passed.
Is it no wonder when a woman realizes that she is in an abusive relationship with children that it takes her seven times before a woman has garnered enough courage to leave? When the shelters are full, when there is a waiting list of five years for housing, when a woman cannot earn enough money to pay for utilities let alone for food, where does she turn to when she ends up on the street with her children? (http://www.domesticabuseshelter.org/InfoDomesticViolence.htm)
So, why doesn’t she leave? Because the courts usually punish the victims and reward the abusers. It’s because poor people cannot afford attorneys or reliable vehicles. It’s also because the low paying jobs that women can find to work around their childcare will dismiss them for leaving to attend too many court hearings, medical appointments, counseling appointments and the like. And it’s mostly because even though the VAWA has brought to light the darkness and evil of domestic violence against women, many attorneys, commissioners, judges, counselors, Child Protective Service workers and other people employed to help protect the victims, the truth of the matter is that many abusers are woefully underestimated in their capacity to inflict harm anyway that they can to punish the woman for leaving them. (http://www.theguardian.com/money/us-money-blog/2014/oct/20/domestic-private-violence-women-men-abuse-hbo-ray-rice)
When a woman calls 911 to report that she has been beaten with a gun and that he’s trying to kill her, the reasonable expectation is that the police will come render aid to her. She is praying that they get to her in time to protect her. She is hoping that she can live to see her children again. What she isn’t thinking is that she will become the victim of police brutality when the abuser lies to the police to protect himself from going to prison for attempted murder. The MOST dangerous time for a woman in a domestic abuse situation is when she decides to leave. But what happens when the person who needs to leave is the abuser because it’s her home? She becomes victimized by the system, again. (http://www.carolineabbott.com/2012/10/leaving-an-abusive-relationship-is-the-most-dangerous-time-for-a-victim/)
The VAWA was a vitally important piece of legislation to be passed, but the fight for the right to live a healthy, stalker-free, poverty-free life is far from over. There is so much left to be done. The first step is to acknowledge that there is still a need for protection. Then more education is needed by the first responders all the way up to the judges so that the victims can become victorious and the abusers aren’t rewarded for their devious behavior. Because if nothing changes, then nothing changes.