"Their Heart Is Still Tender and In of Need Compassion"

     For those who have chosen the field of domestic violence advocacy in order to help others, it's paramount to understand the HOW and the WHY anyone would *allow* themselves to be demoralized to the point of becoming victimized by abusers. The majority of abuse advocates have personally lived through some sort of this hell. There are way too many varying degrees of abuse to list them all in such a short blog. Indeed, volumes could fill the most massive libraries and still not fully contain the vast number differing stories of millions upon millions of victims’ stories; some of whom never had the chance to live long enough to share their bleak stories.

     Generally people don’t possess the ability to articulate abusive behaviors well to inform others how to adequately notice the proverbial “RED FLAGS” abusers refuse to carry and wave around to warn potential victims. The most vital information to learn about this message I’m writing is not to judge someone who has or is going through a similar situation. The utmost important advice I offer is to NOT continue the victimization of the victim because you will push him/her back (or deeper) into the abuse because of caustic, matter of fact and demeaning (though perhaps well intended) accusations of "I told you so." 

     At least with the abuser, the victim occasionally feels wanted, needed and loved. In order to break the cycle of abuse one must not feel judged or pitied by others. Instead offer hope, encouragement and a chance to allow the victim to come to terms of the relationship demise in time. Knowing they have a safe person who is willing to listen and bounce ideas off of so they do not feel so isolated by judgment that they return to hell where they know they will receive affection of some sort.

     Here’s the clincher, you can't possibly understand and/or fully comprehend what you don't know or haven’t experienced firsthand. Does anyone actually think that people look for others to harm them or their children on purpose? Aren’t the majority of noted serial killers adept at hiding their alter ego for years, even decades, regardless of countless experienced professionals who have been trained and educated to capture such heinous individuals? How can the average citizen know what they haven’t been trained to recognize?

     If you're to help, then empathize and allow the person to gain their sense of self before the barrage of "How dumb could you be?" and "I saw this coming a mile away!" Or anything else that will further alienates the victim. No one wants to be abused, feel worthless, or be isolated to the point of losing all hope.

     You don't know what path someone has been asked to walk in order to help another person. Perhaps some people were allowed to experience this kind of abuse in order to discover such important information as to share it with others who have experienced similar situations? It’s only after the storm, comes the understanding; as faith nearly always proceeds the miracle.

     Support the person experiencing the hell without judgment or condescending remarks.
Chances are you will only further traumatize the victim so that she/he won't ever be able to move on to become a survivor and then eventually a “thriver.” Curb your tongue, regardless of how well-meaning you are attempting to be. Everything negative comment is exasperated when the person is early in the recovery phrase. And know that love can heal a multitude of hurts.

     Also please remember that every single person who has breathed has sinned. We all just don't sin the same way. God bless those who have endured the wrath of hell. Many others wouldn't be able to survive nearly as intact as those who have been tested in the fiery furnace of domestic abuse. They're much stronger than you can imagine; but their heart is still tender and in need compassion, not condescension.  “It is strange how often a heart must be broken before the years can make it wise” ~ Sara Teasdale