"Why Doesn't She Just Leave?"

Why doesn’t she just leave him? He’s obviously abusive and everyone knows it. He wastes all their money on gambling and cheating on her, so why does she put up with him? It isn’t good for the kids, she’s always walking on eggshells, why doesn’t she just get out?

He hit her again because the bank account was overdrawn. It was because he snuck out of the house in the middle of the night and withdrew the money for the mortgage payment to go pick up a hooker and gamble at an all-night casino. But he blamed her for not keeping better records. It was always her fault. Everything was her fault. Even when he went to jail ten years before he met her, it was still her fault. She was too perfect for him and she didn’t deserve to be happy.

She tried to go back to work but every time that she did, he would call her right before she had to leave to tell her he had to work late. Eventually she was let go for missing so much time. Then he yelled at her for not contributing to the household. No matter how many jobs she tried to get he kept her from working and relying upon him. There was never enough money for the bills he kept making, but there was always enough for him to do the things that he wanted to do.

She was finally attending college again after being away from school for decades while raising her children. She enjoyed learning new things and meeting new people. She didn’t have any friends when her children were growing up because her ex-husband didn’t like any of them. He also didn’t like her family. In fact, he didn’t like anything at all about her because she represented everything that he was lacking. But one day she simply had enough and left. She finally felt free to live her life on her own terms. 

He said he was different. He understood all about domestic violence because he saw his mother beaten by his father all the time. He used to stand between them when he was only four years old to make them stop fighting. He remembers his dad smashing his mother’s windshield with the end of a shotgun and the glass shattering all over her. He remembered that she couldn’t defend herself anymore, and one day she was gone. His father said that she left him because she didn’t want the family responsibility anymore. Though he knew the truth. He knew his father kicked her out. He knew that it was his father who wouldn’t let his mother be with him. He knew his mom didn’t want to leave her son behind. But he hated her for the lies that his father told to him. And he kept hating her with every woman that he ever met.

She worked up the courage to go to family court to get a restraining order from him. She told the judge what happened and showed him the proof. He told her to get somewhere safe immediately. And not to tell a soul where she was going. She wouldn’t be safe at any of her family or friend’s homes. This paper he signed to protect her was only a piece of paper. It would NOT stop a bullet, a knife or a punch. Do you understand what I am telling you? He yelled at her. He wanted her to understand the gravity of the situation. She sat there at the table in front of the judge sobbing at her new reality.

The commissioner called her a liar. He told her that she was the one who abused him. He was the one who worked and she spent all of his money. He told her that she wasn’t worthy to be a mother and if he could he would take her kids away from her. He took away her protection and gave it to her abuser. This wasn’t the first time that he had done this to a battered woman who walked into his courtroom. And it wouldn’t be the last. Until he was finally removed from the bench. 

Over twenty years ago Joe Biden, then a senator from Delaware, introduced the “Violence Against Women Act” (aka VAWA), which was an avenue to address the way our culture failed to protect women. VAWA was introduced to bring the darkness of domestic violence out into the light. It was a way to finally expose the hidden violence that happened behind closed doors. (http://time.com/3319325/joe-biden-violence-against-women/)

Joe Biden called the VAWA his proudest legislative achievement to date. And for the most part it has been very beneficial, for some women. But for many other women, the reality of domestic violence continues to plagued them in every single aspect of their lives. Many aren’t able to obtain employment that allows them to live above the poverty line. They are often made homeless as the child support orders go unheeded and no one is able to bring about compliance.

Many victims of domestic violence are stalked on a regular basis. They are afraid of trusting others because they’ve been let down so many times. Mothers will go without to ensure that their children have what they need. They try to make sure that their children also get some of the things that they want, like yearbooks or books from the school’s book fair. 

It is common knowledge that a man and a woman with the same education, degree, job skills, and experience that the woman will earn only 77 cents for every dollar that a man earns. (https://www.whitehouse.gov/equal-pay/career)

Take into consideration that for the majority of women the child rearing, household chores, as well as other normal daily activities further widen the salary gap. Typically single mothers with children live far below the poverty level within the United States of America, even twenty plus years after the VAWA was passed.

Is it no wonder when a woman realizes that she is in an abusive relationship with children that it takes her seven times before a woman has garnered enough courage to leave? When the shelters are full, when there is a waiting list of five years for housing, when a woman cannot earn enough money to pay for utilities let alone for food, where does she turn to when she ends up on the street with her children? (http://www.domesticabuseshelter.org/InfoDomesticViolence.htm)

So, why doesn’t she leave? Because the courts usually punish the victims and reward the abusers. It’s because poor people cannot afford attorneys or reliable vehicles. It’s also because the low paying jobs that women can find to work around their childcare will dismiss them for leaving to attend too many court hearings, medical appointments, counseling appointments and the like. And it’s mostly because even though the VAWA has brought to light the darkness and evil of domestic violence against women, many attorneys, commissioners, judges, counselors, Child Protective Service workers and other people employed to help protect the victims, the truth of the matter is that many abusers are woefully underestimated in their capacity to inflict harm anyway that they can to punish the woman for leaving them. (http://www.theguardian.com/money/us-money-blog/2014/oct/20/domestic-private-violence-women-men-abuse-hbo-ray-rice) 

When a woman calls 911 to report that she has been beaten with a gun and that he’s trying to kill her, the reasonable expectation is that the police will come render aid to her. She is praying that they get to her in time to protect her. She is hoping that she can live to see her children again. What she isn’t thinking is that she will become the victim of police brutality when the abuser lies to the police to protect himself from going to prison for attempted murder. The MOST dangerous time for a woman in a domestic abuse situation is when she decides to leave. But what happens when the person who needs to leave is the abuser because it’s her home? She becomes victimized by the system, again. (http://www.carolineabbott.com/2012/10/leaving-an-abusive-relationship-is-the-most-dangerous-time-for-a-victim/)

The VAWA was a vitally important piece of legislation to be passed, but the fight for the right to live a healthy, stalker-free, poverty-free life is far from over. There is so much left to be done. The first step is to acknowledge that there is still a need for protection. Then more education is needed by the first responders all the way up to the judges so that the victims can become victorious and the abusers aren’t rewarded for their devious behavior. Because if nothing changes, then nothing changes. 

"A Piece of Us"

            There comes a time in our lives when we simply have to face the cold hard facts. We cannot blame others for our mistakes, we can’t pretend that we’re something that we’re not and we can no longer hide from who we’ve become. Sometimes people will come to this realization when they become legal adults. Others experience their “ah ha” moment when they become parents. Somewhere along the way, something happens that causes a person to examine his life and then decide that he doesn’t like the direction that he’s headed. However, there seems to be way too many people who never reach this point during their lives, ever.

            Everyone has something that they must overcome. It could be memories from an abusive childhood; a differing ability where some adjustments must be made in their life in order to exist in society; or perhaps a bad habit to be conquered that they have picked up along their sojourn. In addition to having obstacles to conquer, we are also all given certain talents, intelligence, abilities and other gifts to help us throughout our lives. These two opposing forces consisting of difficult challenges and innate competencies can be integrated to create either an average existence or an extraordinary mastery of humanities, music or other notable contributions. That difference is entirely left up to the individual.

            It has been well documented that our DNA is altered by our ancestors; children of alcoholics tend to become alcoholics. Conversely, behaviors conquered by people can also break the cycle of their prosperity for future generations. Nevertheless, some habits are so powerfully cumbersome that the only way for an addict to overcome his addiction is to succumb to it. Unfortunately, in today’s society that has become the norm.

            Every single day the news reports on yet another celebrity, another businessman, another person with a promising potential who has lost his way and suddenly his life. Those close to the person may have known of the man’s vice, may have tried to help him, or the person could have hidden his addiction so well that only a few folks knew about it. Our streets are occupied with people who have suffered the debilitating fate of addiction to the point of losing everything they once held near and dear to them as they become homeless and broken. Our prisons and rehab centers are overflowing with those who cannot overcome their addictions; as they repeat the same offenses time and again. But the reality is that more cemeteries are filled with bodies whose souls once held the greatest prospect of achieving excellence, yet died before they could attain it.

            Unless and until someone acknowledges his inability to fight the demons of addiction, this perpetual cycle will forever be passed down through his posterity. Unfortunately many spend their lives in denial, thus aiding in the destruction of so many that may otherwise have had a chance at attaining their potential. It’s easier to place the blame onto others rather than to recognize their weakness and seek help. They quickly develop skills to conceal their powerlessness to addiction, becoming adept at pretending to be someone that wish to be, rather than the person they have become. It’s a futile game of Russian roulette as eventually the addiction will win out in the end. No matter how successful he may be, regardless of the wealth he may accumulate, despite the pleas of loved ones around him, addiction is no respecter of persons.

            Dreams are ruined, fortunes are lost, and lives are cut short because of the demons of addiction. When someone passes away from their unshakable vice, always too soon, he takes with him unfinished business that may have had the power to alter the lives for the better of many. He takes away the hope and joy of those who loved him, but couldn’t save him. The addicts are remembered for what they could have been, rather than for who they were. I have yet to meet someone who intentionally sets out to become an addict. I have had the privilege of knowing a few who were able to break the chains of addiction and look back in horror at what might have been had they not sought treatment themselves. They realized that the power to heal was only within them, and no one else, no matter how much they tried, could help those who refused to see the need for help. Addiction is a lonely and desolate road to travel and those who have become an addict know that they have to walk it alone. The only thing keeping them from overcoming this demon is seeking treatment. But that must more be powerful than the craving of the addiction.

            The irony is those who yield to addictions are usually the most talented, intelligent and creative souls who haven’t realized their value. Their self-esteem is eroded as they seek to fill an unquenchable void. The accolades of others cannot fill their vessel as they must discover their worth for themselves. When they cannot do so, too many perish taking with them all that they could have been. And with that, they take a piece of us with them.

“If your presence can’t add Value to my life, then your absence will make no difference”

            January seems an appropriate time for reflection after the end of the year rush of holidays with all of its chores, errands and surprises. As I look back upon my life, I smile at all the memories that made me happy and I try not to dwell on the sad memories; instead I focus on what I learned from them. I do believe that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me that some people can come into your life for a reason, even if only a season, to teach me a lesson that would last me a lifetime.

            A few years ago, my life turned upside down, inside out and every which way; once again, taking me far away from my comfort zone. I have always had a hard time trusting others, but then I had to learn how to rely upon people to help me when I couldn’t be everywhere at once. I had to learn to trust God, and more especially, His timing. I had to learn about forgiveness, and then I had to understand how to apply it in my life. I had so much to learn that I didn’t even know that I didn’t know all the things that I should have known. It took me losing everything to realize that I have lost nothing. I have always had what I needed to have within me; I just had to find what it was that I was missing. What I was missing was peace.

            To learn the lessons that I needed I had to go back to the beginning. I had to go back to face my demons and to reconcile my past. I had to go back home to where I never felt like I belonged, where I had so much resentment towards my family, specifically my mother; I had to let go of some terrible pain. I imagine that my mother has been pleading with Heavenly Father to allow her to comfort me, to teach me from beyond her grave and beg me for forgiveness. I know this because that’s what I needed to have in order to find the peace that I have longed for my whole life. I have felt her influence in my life recently, comforting me when I cried myself to sleep as I worried about my children I couldn’t protect because they were far from me physically. I had to rely upon others, their prayers, and their guidance to let go of what I couldn’t control and trust that somehow, someway He would protect them for me. I had to discover the art of forgiveness in order to heal my deepest wounds. It was a tall order to fill and I can’t believe that I’ve learned so much in just a few short years; it has taken me a lifetime to realize what I had to do it in order to have peace.

            I believe that the core of our essence is spiritual in nature; that we are sent here to physically learn how to control our thoughts, actions, and our words; and make them one with Him. We have to rely upon our instincts, what we have previously learned and then continue to seek His guidance to navigate our lives. Many times we fail to see that the adversities we’re suffering are the areas where we need to grow, change and then share our experiences in order to help others. So many people are deeply anguished with past circumstances that they don’t recognize why they are hurting, so they place blame onto others. But I have discovered in order to heal yourself that you have to accept that all people are fallible. I believe when we meet others that sometimes we expect far too much from them, hoping they will have all the answers and forgetting that they, too, are simply just trying to find their way back home.

            I resented that my mother wasn’t as strong as she needed to be for her children, so that made me determined to be everything she wasn’t. I had forgotten to allow grace, the grace I had been granted and then I remembered the nights when she cried herself to sleep after praying. I had forgotten the pain she experienced when she had no one to rely upon while she had her own children depending on her to protect them. I had forgotten what despair looked like on her face; replacing my memories with what she had done wrong, instead of remembering what she had done right.

            It took me, learning from my own experiences, to know that we cannot fully understand the depth of sorrow, the unending paralyzation of fear bestowed upon us by the actions of others and the complete disregard of the enormity of our sacrifice until we walk it ourselves. Some people never learn it, however, and therein the problem lies. In trying to make it all better for me, I sacrificed myself to help make it all better for those who weren’t deserving of my time, money, skills, or energy. Nevertheless, I felt compassion and that was my compelling reason for why I helped as many as I have. It wasn’t for nil, I learned a lot from every experience, but the most important lesson that I took away with me is that you cannot fix anyone, you can only love them. Sometimes, you can only love them from a distance. And that is okay as well.

            Once I realized that the power to forgive, especially myself, was well within my reach, then I began to feel the power of forgiveness manifest in my own life. I began to understand why people do the things that they shouldn’t do. Not that I condone their behavior, but understanding their behavior is one of the first steps to forgiving the trespasses against me. The second vital truism I applied to my life was that their actions against me don’t define me. By knowing that I can choose not to be like them, and simply walk away from anything that insults my sense and sensibilities. I know who I am, what I’m capable of doing, how hard that I work, and what I do to contribute by sacrificing all that I am to make it all better for those around me. I won’t tolerate insipid people nor will I condemn myself to being treated less than how I deserve. However, the most profound revelation that I have finally discovered was that if your presence can’t add value to my life, then your absence will make no difference.