"Ditto"

I interminably ponder, pray, think and reflect on my life and the lessons I’ve learned. I often wonder why it seems as though I keep getting the same rhetoric over and over again. I’ve met multitudes of people during my sojourn in life. Many people are downright fascinating; others are highly intelligent; some spiel nothing but vile and contempt. I befriend people on their terms and accept their perception of themselves until proven otherwise.

I am always frank and genuine with everyone I meet about who I am, what I believe and how I think. I expect them to be the same with me.  Invariably, I’m faced with the same dilemma. I discover that some people are not who they claim to be. Although I’m sometimes disappointed, I do not judge them. But I also can no longer trust them; because what they do screams louder than what they say.

Through my musings I’ve come to realize that not all the hardships I’ve experienced were for my own reproach. Rather much of the sufferings I’ve endured were simply to be used as an exemplar of compassion and kindness despite constant betrayals, hypocrisies or perjuries. It was after internalizing this truth that I received yet another parable.

An important hallmark of a successful teacher is to create an efficacious lesson plan. Once established, effectively utilized and routinely updated, it can edify students for years. Instructors provide dittos to the students and concentrate on teaching, instead of the preparation of the lesson. By designing a credible lesson plan, the teacher may refer to the ditto, but only to expound on it rather than teach from it. This is where the parable comes in…

“People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.” Perhaps the reason we have met was for me to demonstrate to you that most people are basically good-natured and kind. Maybe it was to encourage you to continue to strive despite tremendous opposition. Quite possibly, I may have been the “ditto” that the Teacher prepared for you. Your reaction to the lesson depends entirely on your willingness to learn. No matter what the injustices inflicted upon me, I will continue to be charitable, considerate and compassionate. At some point, I will walk away because the lesson has been imparted and my role in your story has ended. But I will never stop caring.

Every person is the Teacher’s “ditto.” Everyone has some talent and message to share to enrich the lives of others. No one is perfect. There are countless lessons to be appreciated and understood. Only after much contemplation did I discover my adversities were opportunities to nurture others. While I may not like some people, what they say or do, I absolutely refuse to hate anyone. That takes way too much energy better served elsewhere. And I’m positive I learned that important credence from another “ditto.”

"And after all, isn’t that what life is all about?"

Have you ever stood behind someone in a grocery store and watch them buy eight gallons of milk, six loaves of bread, maybe some chips, but very little in the way of fresh fruit or vegetables and then become aghast when they pay for it with foodstamps? Instantly you are fuming inside, thinking with disgust that you work so hard for your money and here this person is buying Doritos, but no apples or oranges. Shaking your head, you sarcastically mention how nice it would be to have free handouts yourself instead of busting your hump to put food on the table for your family. 

Have you ever seen a very large family, more than three children, in line with the person paying for the food? Have you thought to yourself that if she/he only learned self-control perhaps they wouldn’t be in that situation? Perhaps if everyone limited their family to just one or two children the world would be less populated, less chaotic, and more pleasing. Smart aleck jokes, cutting to the core, are blurted as truth but you don’t even know their story.

Have you seen a vehicle on the roadway that appears to be held together by duct tape, rope and prayer and think to yourself, and possibly say aloud, I wouldn't be caught dead traveling in something that hideous? You pass them in your nice vehicle, slow down to glance at them to give your disapproval and notice they seem to have every material possession in their vehicle? With a snort and a look of disgust you easily pass them in your vehicle never to see them ever again.

Have you ever driven down the street and seen homeless people lying over grates to keep warm; people huddled near a building that promises to serve hot meals on certain days; or someone pushing a dilapidated grocery cart down the street muttering to himself? Did you think to yourself that they probably are mentally ill from being an alcoholic, a drug abuser or a derelict responsible for his own fate? You drive by without so much as a second glance, thinking that someone else helps them or hoping they will just go away because it’s bringing down property values.

Have you ever been to the emergency room because you’re not well, or someone you know got hurt and listen to people in front of you given their information to the triage nurse? You see them hand over a Medicaid card and instantly become enraged. You’re thinking that it must be nice to get everything for free because this visit is going to cost you a ton of money in co-pays. On top of the obvious injustice, you now have to wait to be seen after these people who aren’t even paying for their care.

Have you ever been so hungry that for the want of bread, you’d give away your most precious possessions? Have you ever been so sick that you told yourself that you’d be better off dead because no one will remember you anyway? Have you ever been so cold that you were afraid to fall asleep because you know that if you didn’t keep moving, you may never wake up? Have you ever been so alone that you talk to yourself just to hear the sound of a human voice? Have you ever looked at a family and smiled because you were happy for their good fortune even though you had nowhere to lay your head at night? Have you ever been so frightened by someone who claimed their undying love to you and yet you carry scars on your body because of what they’ve done to you? Have you ever had a gun held to your head and thought your life would be instantly over? Have you ever been willing to walk away from every creature comfort in order to find some sort peace and tranquility in your life? Have you ever been denied justice because former friends, loved ones or perfect strangers unfairly judged you and wouldn’t allow you to speak the truth in defense?

Many homeless people aren’t homeless because they choose to be, but rather they are homeless due to circumstances beyond their control. Some of our most courageous men and women fought for the very freedoms that you enjoy, and yet are homeless because of the toll that war had on them. Some families are homeless because their jobs were terminated and they simply have no one to turn to that would or could help them. Some homeless people exist due to domestic abuse and violence because they left their abuser in order to live anyway they could. They knew that by staying just a moment longer that their lives and those of their children would be in grave danger. Many are homeless because the medical bills of caring for a family member has exceeded their budget, drained their savings, and left them destitute. They are surviving the only way they know how, and refuse to stop caring for their family even under the direst circumstances.

Rarely does anyone receiving foodstamps look forward to grocery shopping because as much as they try not to pay attention to disdainful looks, smirks and comments, they still see and hear them. They would rather endure shopping once a month instead of several times because then they won’t be hurt by even more people. Perhaps they but some items that people question because they have a child with an allergy or a special need who for whatever reason cannot eat particular foods. They don’t buy fresh fruit or vegetables because they know that their funds will go farther by buying inexpensive products. To not hear their child cry out because of hunger is always worth the scoffing of others. 

The people at the doctor’s offices or in the emergency room presenting their Medicaid card do so embarrassingly. They go because they cannot make their child or even themself better without medicine. People receiving Medicaid benefits do not receive the same type of medicines or doctors care as those who are paying for their own policies or have them as benefits because of their employment. Many tests are not performed, expensive antibiotics are not given and thorough evaluations are not done because Medicaid does not fund anything but the simplest, basic functions.

When you see a person driving a vehicle not worthy of your taste, chances are they do so because it’s all that they have. They are grateful to have the ability to be mobile without walking everywhere. Their vehicle may also be their home. They could be traveling from place to place attempting to find any means of making money so they can eat. They rarely sleep well, bathing is usually done in public restrooms and yet, they are still getting up every day to try to change what their life is all about at that very moment.

When someone marries, for better or for worse, etc., they are enchanted about building their future with the person. They work to make a home wherever they are, furnish it, and provide food while planning for future children. Sometimes they even have names picked out for when they arrive. Birthdays are celebrated, vacations are taken, trips to the dentist, doctors and all other family life things happen. One day, you find out he’s having an affair. He didn’t live up to the promises he made to you, to your children and he wants out. Suddenly the person you depended on no longer even likes you. In fact, he has met someone new and thinks she’s more entitled to everything you helped build together. He fights you on everything, expecting to walk away with everything because after all, he made the money while all you did was stay at home tending to the kids and house. The other woman immerses herself into your former life and attempts to take over your role as a mother. Your self-worth is gone. You’re lost, bewildered and broke. And may end up homeless. 

Somewhere along the way in this crazy thing we call life there are momentous opportunities to lift another’s spirit. The words you speak to or about another have far reaching consequences that may never be known or understood until decades later. Calling someone crazy, useless, mental, or any other derogatory name does nothing for them or for you. You cannot elevate yourself while putting another person down. That’s the simple fact of life many do not understand; the adage if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all is always applicable. Better yet, if you have anything to offer, let it be a kind word or deed. 

Instead of complaining that someone is taking far too long to pay a toll that is only a dollar, why not pay their fare for them? A few dollars doesn’t seem like much, unless you don’t have it. Perhaps scraping up a dollar is cheaper than going the long way which would cost them much more in fuel.  I’ve often gotten out of my car, or driven around them and gave the toll collector money for the person. If I have more, I pay for the next few cars behind me. I can’t express the happiness in my heart for doing such a simple thing.

Instead of complaining about people who have unruly children, why not make small talk with the children to take their mind off of waiting? Or offer to buy them a treat after you okay it with the parent? Chances are the children are most likely hungry and cranky because they had to be taken to the store instead staying at home because the mother has no one to watch them. Compassion for others is something you cannot give without feeling it returned to yourself.

Unless you have lived another’s person’s hell, you are not in position to judge another’s actions. Perhaps the people you see who make you angry because you seem they are getting a free ride are actually a lot stronger than most people. Their lives may serve as an example to others how to be grateful for small things because those truly are the most important things in life. Mayhap, you have even been entertained by angels without even knowing it?

 Words are powerful and deeds are just as potent. If you think you cannot help anyone because your circumstances seem to be extremely dire to you, know that there are plenty of ways to help others. Understand that no matter how horrible you think your life is, that there are so many others who have it worse than you can imagine. A roof over your head, a safe place to sleep, food in your belly, and clothes on your back are basic necessities take for granted. Until you no longer have them. Give what you can, when you can, and as often as you can. Don’t do it for charity, rather do it out of love for your fellow man.

You never know if one day you may be facing these same trials. I can guarantee you that if you did, you would want to know that someone, anyone, cares enough to make you feel like a person and not like a leper of society, an outcast or even a throwaway. Everyone is worthy of being treated with respect. It should not have to be earned, but rather expected because in the end, it will not matter how much you have accumulated in wealth or material possessions.

The only thing that will truly matter will be if you treated others with kindness and compassion. Loving one another is the only important lesson we have to learn while we are sojourning in this life. The rest will always fall into place at the appropriate time. Give love until the hurt stops, and then give some more to fill them up with hope. When they feel better, then they too will give. And after all, isn’t that what life is all about?

"Setting Boundaries"

This past Friday afternoon, Noah, Amelia and I went to the municipal park to hang out until 6pm. They played on the swings, sat on the picnic table talking to me and climbed all over the playground equipment. Amelia ran from the swings to the playground then called Noah & me over to her to watch her go down the slide a few more times before we left. No one else was on the equipment, so Noah and I sat down on the bottom platform to watch Amelia play.

A few minutes later, a small little boy, about 3 years old came over to play. He couldn’t climb up onto the big playground equipment, so I helped him. Amelia instantly went into “mother mode” with him, held his hand and went down the slide with him several times. He was laughing at Amelia and having a good time. Just as we were getting ready to leave, the man who brought the child yelled to me, “Who do you think you are? Don’t you know that playground is for youngun’s?” I looked around, wondering who he was talking to. He was sitting fifty feet away on the picnic table, not nearly close enough if (and as it turned out when) the child fell. He sarcastically said, “So, I guess you think you own this park, too?”

By that time, I knew he was speaking to me, so I finished up gathering Amelia and Noah’s things with every intention of leaving drama behind. That’s when he said, “You’re a b*tch!” I stopped in my tracks. Noah and Amelia looked at me wondering what to do. I looked right at him and said, “You know what? I’ve been called a lot worse by much better grade of people than you. You’re a piece of work; a real class act. This park is called a municipal park, which means it’s open to the public. I have done nothing nor have I said anything derogatory to you. I have helped your son, or whoever he is to you. My daughter was playing nicely with him. Have a good day.” And we began leaving, he called after me, “You’re an *ss!! You’re an *sshole!! You’re a b*tch!! You’re nothing but a white b*tch!!”

I paused approximately ten feet from him; I never raised my voice or said any curse words to him. I simply and quietly said, “Wow, you must really be a miserable person to attack a woman with her children at a park. Thankfully, I don’t ever have to put up with your nonsense, and yet, wherever you go, there YOU are. I bet your Mama must be really proud of you.” Then I turned and walked away as he started yelling and cursing me even more. Amelia asked me why he was mad at Noah, her and me. I told her he wasn’t angry with us, he was angry at his own pathetic life. I told her there are lots of mean and evil people in the world, and he is one of them.

Another father left the park with his small son because of the old man’s ranting’s. He was scaring everyone away with his deluge of attacks on me. We got into our truck and buckled up. Amelia kept asking what she did wrong. I explained to her that she had done nothing wrong and sometimes when people aren’t happy, they take out their bad feelings on others. Noah said he was crazy, I readily agreed. I had to drop them off by 6pm, knowing that I wouldn’t be allowed to contact them for an entire week. I wanted to leave them with good memories, so I bought them a Slushie to drink at the park with the clear intention of letting them take some time to just be kids. We had thirty minutes before the old man came there and verbally assaulted me.

I felt totally helpless to protect my own children from the evil they had experienced. They had been terrified because of the crazy old man; ironically, though furious, I was extremely calm. It wasn’t until after my children left the vehicle, that my tears began to fall. It wasn’t that I was afraid of the man. I simply refused to allow him to bring me to his level, to have me react, and to become like him. But it was the reality of what we had witnessed that stirred my emotions.

I immediately drove to my sister’s house because I couldn’t stand the thought of being alone. I tried to call her but I couldn’t stop crying long enough to explain what happened. She was worried something tragic had transpired. I went to her backyard, sat in a chair and sobbed for over an hour. It was the only safe place where I knew I could go. I didn’t need her to solve anything, make anything all better, or fix anything for me. I just needed to be with someone who understands that sometimes life is really hard. At times, no matter what you do, it’s never good enough. I just needed her to say, “You know what? I have no idea what’s going to happen tomorrow, but I do know that eventually everything will be okay. You’re going to be okay.” And that’s exactly what she said.

No one can fully understand the magnitude of domestic violence unless you have lived it. Once the decision has been made to walk away from everything you own, in order to save your children and yourself, you cannot go back. Regardless of how hard it is to be your child’s everything all the time, going back is never, ever an option. Even if you cannot move forward, just holding your ground until you’re strong enough to move on is better than going backwards.

There are people who intentionally cause mayhem and misery to others simply because they can. I have learned that you teach people how to treat you. By respecting others and yourself, refusing to engage in a battle of wits with a crazed person and walking away from all drama allows people to know that you won’t tolerate nonsensical tripe. You cannot stop people from belittling you, but you can decide not to stoop to their level. Ignoring trivial prattle doesn’t mean you condone it, it just means you are above dealing with nasty people who spew it.

I spent the following day compartmentalizing the events that had occurred. I then realized that I am not the same person that I was at this same time last year. I have grown much stronger; and I am wiser. I’m also quicker to smile and laugh. I care very deeply about people. Even if I don’t speak to them any longer, I remember their story and wonder how they are faring. I often say prayers for them, understanding people will never know I do this for them.

If I wasn’t an empathetic person, perhaps things that people say or do wouldn’t bother me as much as it does. If I was alone and the crazy man said those things to me, I may not have bothered to say anything at all to him. I have figured out that silence speaks volumes. However, I had to defend myself when my children asked what we had done wrong. My children need to know that I have set clear boundaries for abusive behavior, because they have to learn how to do it for themselves.