As Seasons Change...

Recently when asked at what point I decided to become a writer, I was bemused by the question as I thought about it. Was there ever a defining moment for me when I knew I wanted to be a writer? I couldn’t remember a time when I didn’t want to write; or a time when I wasn’t reading. Even before I knew what letters and words were, I was attempting to express myself in toddler hieroglyphics. I wrote on everything with anything. I thought that the toilet paper roll was the perfect design for writing my stories down.  I wrote, and then rolled it back up. But for some reason, none of my stories survived my childhood.

I have always believed that every person is born with a special talent that they can discover, develop and share with others. It makes us unique individuals and what drives some of us to do great things. Sometimes our gift is so intensely passionate that it consumes us until our destiny is realized. Other times fears, encumbrances, or misfortunes prevent us from achieving our ambitious desires. Many extremely gifted people have simply not been able to attain their lifelong aspirations; but definitely not for lack of struggling. Perhaps, for some, their time has not yet come.

Much time passed before I was able to indulge in my passion of writing due to family obligations. I thought about what I would write if given the opportunity. Throughout the years, I honed the talent within myself, before allowing it to be publicly manifested. However, it is a major misconception that all writers are great orators. In my case, I fear public speaking. I can converse with nearly everyone about almost anything, but most of the time, I need time to sort out my thoughts. Nevertheless, I absolutely abhor speaking before an audience. The thrill of excitement that performers embrace onstage is not unlike finding the perfect sentence for a writer; while both are creatively inspired, their methods of achievement are vastly different. Over the years, I developed my writing, but not my public speaking skills.

As an admirer of words, I’ve appreciated all styles of analogies, opinions, and creative thoughts with panache shared by others. One of the most inspiring parallels I’ve enjoyed is about how the seasons of the year are likened to a person’s lifetime. I’ve often thought about how springtime is associated with birth and it’s relation to all things new. Because I have six children, the relevance has been uncanny. And since I have a large brood, I have done an enormous amount of cleaning, painting, rocking and cuddling throughout the years, which has given me ample time to ponder. Eventually the season analogy represented a sundry of different reflections for me.

Springtime to me, symbolizes the ease of life; finding your yearnings, laughing, making new friends, everything else that is happy and carefree. It’s when emotions are light and smiles are easy to come by. Springtime can happen at any point in your life, from infancy until your last breath. Also during springtime there come sudden storms and upheavals. Just when you think the weather is fine, torrential downpours or a blinding snow squaw will occur. Not unlike life. Sometimes feelings get inadvertently hurt. A remark is taken out of context, a message is misconstrued or a glance is misinterpreted. But in the springtime, these gaffs are short-lived and blow over quickly.

In the summertime, passion runs as deep as the weather is warm. There’s a heightened sense of smell, touch, taste and sight where childhood memories are made of summertime amusements. Summertime also characterizes the heat of the moment; when there seems to be no relief in sight from the searing rage of temperatures and at times, tempers. Friendships are lost forever because of the unbridled furors or unrelinquished apologies. Just as with springtime, summertime attributes can and do happen throughout your life. Remembrances, both amiable and terrible, are forever engraved in our minds.

Expressing gratitude for the bounty that autumn signifies is a fundamental indication that you have a firm grasp of reality. If we cannot find something for which we are thankful, we can never truly appreciate what we receive. Satisfaction without being satiated keeps a hunger within us to keep trying to surpass ourselves each and every day. Giving to others without regard of receiving in return is an intrinsic part of humanity. A rotting crop is as much of a failure as refusing to plant one in the first place. It’s only by unselfishly sharing your talents that will ensure that when you are in need, the harvest will always be there.

Wintertime brings with it an extraordinary, magical ambiance as the earth is covered with brilliant white snow that muffles and beautifies it, equalizing everything. It’s the time in our lives that we gather together to share our warm homes, hearty foods and generous hospitalities. The cold, hard realities of life are also recognized and the compassionate reach out to those in need. But wintertime also represents the coldness of hearts that many have embraced. This is the time of our lives when we have forsaken redemption, refuse to help one another, instead allowing greed and pride to poison our beliefs. This is where those who have look down upon those who have not. Most children do not exhibit such unabashed wintertime qualities, because it tends to be an acquired character flaw passed on by older generations.

I imagine that we are constantly in the midst of changing seasons throughout our lifetime. We may be in autumn, thankful for many opportunities and yet forget to give of our excess to those in need. At times, we may be in the temperament of the summertime scorching heat without any relief anticipated for days or weeks on end. Life’s circumstances may prevent us from moving forward as we wish, and we’re left to endure whatever trials are placed before us. Judging anyone at any given time is not an accurate depiction of who we are as a person, but it’s exactly what we do as a society.

To never have hungered for food or drink is a splendid thing, though millions of people experience this on a daily basis. Not having suffered any affliction other than losing some money in an investment is not akin to losing your home and displacing your family. Sometimes it seems as though there are privileged individuals who get to live in the highlight of all of the seasons, always enjoying happy, carefree times, exciting vacations, bountiful harvests, and fun wintertime activities. Then there are those who experience the harsh realities of unexpected storms, searing scorching heat, crop failure and lack of adequate food, shelter and clothing. To never have suffered atrocities is not a sign of superiority, just as no one deserves to go hungry, or without adequate medical care because of the choices others have made.

In the land that offers the most opportunities in the world, shouldn’t we as citizens of a united country decide to help the less fortunate when we have such abundance that crops are rotting in the fields? Should we not hold ourselves to a higher standard of compassion, by seeing a need and then filling it without provocation? Must we always have a major catastrophe, whether political, environmental or natural disaster to bring us to our knees and move us to help one another? Why are we teaching our children the cold realities of wintertime, when they should be marveling in the beauty of the freshly fallen snow?

As we move in and out of the seasons of our lives, ever changing, experiencing and overcoming, can we not forget what we’ve comprehended along the way and pass it down to others in order to make things a bit easier for those coming after us? Life will always have lessons for us to learn and ways for us to share our talents with others. How much better life would be if we could choose to help instead of harm? Show compassion instead of contempt? Give opportunities for growth instead of withholding because of greed? Because in the end, it will not matter how much one has acquired throughout his lifetime; only what he has freely given to assist a fellow man will ever count.

Please remember not everyone is at the same place in their life, with the same talents, skills, and knowledge that you’ve honed. No one can possibly be expected to fully understand anyone else’s life story when they have not explicitly lived it. Learn to ascertain the situation by allowing some grace while someone is enduring a heartrending hardship. Name calling, labeling, belittling, and discouragement have no place within a civilized society. You may only be one person, but it only takes a smile or kind word of encouragement to cheer someone up. Make a decision to make your life count for more than what you can acquire. Share your talents, your story and most importantly, your time.

Reflections & Musings

 

The holiday season, comprising of Thanksgiving and Christmas, is an important time for me. It’s when I look back over the year to gauge to see if I’m where I want or need to be in my life.  I also remember, with fondness, those who have passed away as I miss them terribly.

This year has been especially wrought with many trials and adversities that have definitely taken me out of my comfort zone. I have grown in ways I never thought possible. And I’ve experienced my highest highs and my lowest lows this year.

I have a wonderful, intimate support group who has been my source of strength and my refuge from my life’s many storms. But I do not allow any one person to know everything about me or what’s going on because it’s too stressful for anyone to handle that much information and still function relatively normal.

For whatever reason, I have been given these tasks to strengthen my testimony, build my character, and to gain experience. It has been suggested to me that perhaps these adversities were placed upon me as a sort of punishment or for humility. But nothing could be further from the truth.

After much praying, pondering, and reflecting I finally received some answers for the immensely difficult trials I’ve been asked to overcome. As part of our mortal experience that we call life here, we are asked to perform missions or specific duties based upon our willingness and our abilities.

There’s an adage that states, “If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it.” The same theory may be applicable to overcoming adversities. Regardless of growing up in decidedly unfavorable conditions, one could hope to eventually, through hard work, sacrifices, and determination to find success. But that person also discoveries and defines what success means to him.

Not everyone has had to endure a relentlessly challenging life. In fact, that may very well be their obstacle to overcome. Someone who has never wanted for a meal, shelter, clothing, or any other basic human need may find it an extremely daunting task to be compassionate towards a homeless, an unemployed or an underemployed person and their family.

The “haves” who luxuriate gainful employment, homes, vacations, health, insurance, with other seemingly extravagant privileges simply reason that that “have nots” are lazy, incompetent whiners who deserve to be downtrodden. The lifestyles of the “have nots” are readily criticized with condemnation. The “haves” arrogantly presume that, due to their social status, they may render their disrespectful, arrogant and condescending opinions of the “have nots” without regard or understanding of their situation.

Over the years I have heard countless snide remarks about the number of children that I have given birth to over the years. All of my children were born within wedlock; all were wanted, prayed for and received with open arms. Instead of taking cruises to exotic places, I frugally raised my own children as a stay at home mother. I gave up social status, a career, money, adult conversation, fashionable clothing, vacations, among other things. However, I was truly grateful for the opportunity to nurture and raise my own children. The common, popular myth that it takes a village to raise a child is ludicrous. What it takes is an involved parent who is willing to sacrifice all that she/he is for the needs of another.

I have six beautiful, intelligent, loving children who may one day discover a cure for a currently deadly disease; protect and serve within our communities; teach our children’s children; or find some other manner to contribute to society. Who is able to say without prejudice that any one of their lives are not worthy because of special needs, unforeseen circumstances, or any other calamity that befell our family?

My children argue with one another, but they also love each other. They have learned to live with many different personalities and challenges which actually makes them an asset to society, and not a hindrance to it. My children see a need and then fill a need because it’s what they’ve been taught. They can do without their wants to make sure someone else’s needs are taken care of first.

A person enduring years of unending trials, yet remains tenacious in his attempt to continue onward despite the crushing weight of adversity may be the noblest individual appropriate for the unduly suffering. It is not a sign of weakness, but rather an indication of tremendous strength. In the Book of Job, an extremely righteous man has all of his ten children, 500 yoke of oxen, 500 donkeys, 7,000 sheep, and 3,000 camels, among other things destroyed or killed. His wife tells him to curse God, but Job refuses.

Job perseveres through his trials and afflictions by remaining steadfast in his faith. Eventually his friends come to console Job, who by then was plagued with boils. Job’s friends spent a week sitting next to him in silent support because they knew he was immensely sorrowful and grieving. Finally Job breaks his silence and “curses the day he was born.”

Job’s friends begin to condemn him by conferring their opinion as to why he has been exceedingly afflicted. Their interpretations of Job’s tribulations concluded that it was a sign of God’s anger and a punishment for Job’s sin. Job emphatically dismissed their erroneous assumptions. Eventually, Job’s health is restored, he is blessed with a new family and twice as much livestock for his willingness to endure his trials and keep his faith.

As has Job, I've had to live primarily on faith, especially this past year, more than ever before. I've been unjustly accused, perjured, slandered, and prejudicially judged. I have expressed my anger, disappointed, fears, while also acknowledging tender mercies and miracles through friendships and loved ones. I have grown to like who I am, though I admit, I’m still very much a work in progress. If I can encourage others to maneuver through the unsavory aspects of life which I’ve endured, then I will consider my trials and hardships as true blessings.

I am now more willing to give all that I have to anyone in need, knowing full well that when I stand in need I, too, will be comforted. I recognize that numerous well-meaning people have felt compelled to enlighten me with their rationalizations of why they believe I’ve had to experience such tragedies. But perhaps I’ve been tried by faith because I was sufficiently resilient to withstand the fires of refinement? Possibly my trials weren’t a product of my deficiencies, but rather an indication of my faithfulness and strength? Mayhap I endured endless adversities because He knew I would overcome them and not be defeated by them? Consequently, my trials, adversities, tragedies, and persecutions were bequeathed to me as a result of a lifetime of preparation for me to receive them; nothing more, and nothing less.

The significance of this narrative is simply to ask others to not judge anyone else unjustly. Everyone has their own mission to discover, a duty to fulfill, and a life to be experienced. Each has their unique story to tell and trials to overcome. And if you’re not edifying, then you’re crucifying. Share with others what you’ve conquered in order to lighten their burdens. Furthermore, refrain from condescending interpretations of the adversities, trials or calamities of others as you may one day find yourself not worthy enough to wash the dust from their feet.

Another Year Over...

At this time of year, when the anniversary of John’s death is fast approaching, I always reflect over the past year’s experiences. And I’m staggered by the enormity of life that has been lived in an extremely short amount of time.

My oldest daughter, Jennifer has been married for nine months today! She and her husband, Garrison began their new life together with their wedding and first reception in October in Arizona. A wedding reception ensued in Tennessee for Garrison’s family and friends in November. On January 1, 2011, they wrapped up their celebratory wedding receptions in Delaware for Jennifer’s family and friends. They live in Utah where they currently attend school and work. I’m so very proud of them and their accomplishments.

My oldest son, Hunter began his college career last fall where he excelled, receiving excellent grades that landed him on the Dean’s list. I have mixed emotions of Hunter’s move into his first home over an hour away. He is the proverbial big brother to his younger siblings and is sorely missed. He is also working hard while attending school. I knew that once Hunter moved forward out the quagmire that is high school that he would find his way in the world.

Bethany has received her driver’s license and thankfully had saved up enough money to purchase a newer car (and received a little help from her father). After surviving the first two older children receiving their driver’s license, I was more than happy for the occasion to occur. Because of circumstances beyond our control, Bethany was home schooled for the remainder of her sophomore year. She has excelled in her schoolwork by developing solid studying habits. I am happy to note that we’ve have grown extremely close over the past year due to challenges and adversities. Bethany’s future is certainly looking very bright.

Gunner has begun high school! This is an important era for us as a family and for him as an individual with autism. He has taken this monumental milestone seriously. He was also home schooled for the remainder of his freshman year and looks forward with anticipation of returning to school next month as a sophomore. Gunner is taking drum lessons for which he has a natural aptitude like his Uncle John, whom he was named for yet never met. Gunner and I have also cemented the relationship we have forged over the years of intense struggling because of his different abilities. I will always remain his strongest advocate until my last breath.

Noah has turned eleven, my favorite number, age, and time of life. He’s still a child, but so thoughtful and intelligent; much more so than many adults I’ve encountered. This has been a difficult time for Noah because of personal trials that he has had to endure that are no fault of his own. Yet I marvel at his tenacity and humor in overcoming whatever is tossed or flung his way. He is going to be a force to be reckoned with once this man-child comes of age. Nothing will stop him or stand in his way. And I wouldn’t dream of doing so.

Amelia is five and about as precocious a child I’ve ever seen. Reserved is not her forte and teaching her to tactfully own her voice will be my most arduous trial with this one. If Amelia likes you then it’s because there’s an enormous amount of good in you that is tangible in ways only she can see and feel. And if she doesn’t like you…well, no worries because she will avoid you like the plague. Amelia is also enduring serious hardships in her young life that cannot be taken from her at this point; though I am still actively trying to do so. Her spirit is strong and her laughter is contagious. She is nothing short of a miracle and a marvel in every way imaginable.

I am pleased to announce that I am divorcing, again. It’s mostly because I didn’t do it right the first time. (smile) I suppose I have always been an overachiever, but not in the same ways that others have been. For the first time in my life, I am actually looking forward to my next stage, development, accomplishment, or obstacle to overcome. I have finally become comfortable with myself and have stopped making apologies for the things that truly define me.

I was ecstatic over my daughter’s nuptials last autumn. I enjoyed and looked forward with anticipation to her enchanted wedding though simultaneously my marriage was already annihilated. And it’s because I do believe in eternal love that I am able to admire and respect the union that is marriage. I don’t profess to be sage when it comes to love; I only believe that if two people want to work at making marriage work, then it can happen. And if only one person is working at it, then it isn’t a marriage.

I have also rediscovered many friends from my childhood this past year; many who personally knew my brother, John. This was as significant as or perhaps even more so than my divorcing, because it was a reawakening of a time that I have chosen to long since bury because of the suffering that it represented to me. And I cannot believe how quickly I’ve been able to simply pick up the friendships where I left off some thirty years ago. It has been exciting to learn about the life journeys of my friends, for the most part.

I cannot believe another year has gone without my best friend by my side. There’s not a day that I don’t think about him, wonder what he’d quip, or what he’d do to make me laugh. I think he would be proud of what I’ve accomplished thus far. And I know he would continue to encourage me daily like he used to do. He would have barbeques, birthday parties, and other memorable holiday get togethers for his family and friends. He would smile bigger, hug tighter and laugh harder than anyone I have ever known. And if you knew my brother, John, then this is old news to you. If you did not, then I’m sorry for your loss.