"A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Future..." (September 14, 2010)

I had been born of mighty humble beginnings. We lived week-to-week, barely eating the meager meals because there was never enough of anything. The things I wore regularly when I was young were boils on my body mostly from lack of nutrition and medical care. Those and hand me down clothes.

I remember, not so fondly, standing in “cheese lines” for hours waiting with my mother and siblings for handouts of butter, cheese, powdered milk, and such things. I swore I would never humiliate my children in such a way.

Because we were so poor, we got free lunches. I refused to eat lunch because I was too embarrassed to go get my free lunch ticket. There wasn’t any compassion or discreetness when it came to handing them out, so I declined to shame myself anymore than I already felt.

We also received free medical and dental care. One day when I was sixteen, I was walking to class and over the intercom the secretary called out the names of the students with appointments at the free clinic in town. I wanted to die when my name was bellowed over the loud speakers for all to hear. I vowed then and there that I would never have another cavity as long as I lived. And I haven’t.

I promised myself that when I was in charge of my life, that I would always have adequate food storage, medical care & the cleanest house I could keep. Somehow I managed to graduate in the top 10 (people, not percent) and went on to college. That was short-lived due to upheavals beyond my control (specifically my mother's illness from cancer resulting in her death). So I enrolled into cosmetology school and graduated early.

I didn’t have any medical or dental benefits, but I managed to pay my own way. I kept an immaculate house, always had food, and paid all my bills on time. I even paid cash for my first wedding and entered it not only debt free, but with a small savings.

It wasn’t until after I married that I had real insurance for the very first time in my life. My children enjoyed the advantages of things I never had. They even went to the doctors for well checkups, not just when they were ill; and none of them ever experienced a boil in their lives.

When the marriage ended, my children remained insured, although I was again without means of medical or dental insurance. The stress of my past collided with my present and caused immense sorrow and fear. I remarried way too quickly after the divorce; mostly security reasons, or so I thought and it was the worst mistake I had ever made in my life.

Again I was insured, but I had more medical issues than I ever have had experienced my entire life. We still lived week-to-week, but bills managed to get paid. And I have always tried to help those who were less fortunate or down on their luck. It felt great to help others, and I know it was very much appreciated. It also seemed like a wonderful way to show my own gratitude for my family being take care of much better than I could ever hope.

Last week we lost our medical and dental insurance as well as income due to termination of employment (for the second time in six months). Unless it has been experienced, one cannot fully appreciate the trepidation that it causes. My youngest son is allergic to life and I wish I was over-exaggerating, but alas I am not. He is allergic to things we have yet to determine and requires medications that are extremely expensive just to maintain a somewhat normal life.

Because of this serious condition, I humbled and prepared myself to apply for aid. Flashbacks of my aggrieved childhood caused panic attacks which worsened my own health issues (bleeding ulcers and kidney stones). Nevertheless, I gathered all the courage I could muster and went anyway.

While waiting over two hours to be seen, I wondered why my life would come full circle again. I had tried to do everything in my power to prevent what I most feared, and yet here I was. By now I had even published a book as I promised myself. I am still waiting for someone important to read it and catapult me into some serious money by offering a movie deal that I can’t refuse.

But here I sat, with nothing but time on my hands to think and that can be a very dangerous thing for me. I tend to worry way too much, even though I have faith to move mountains. You should see me get my kids out of the house; I’m a flurry of activity in the morning. Between waking kids, directing them to shower, dress, eat, take meds, brush teeth, I load backpacks after signing papers. I’m an organized crazy fool who will be teaching early morning seminary to my two high school kids as well as preschool to my four year old. And I’ve written and published a book, while attempting to sell my house. So all of this nonsense was not supposed to happen; but it did.

I was called back by a woman whose expression and temperament I couldn’t read. Her demeanor was professional, yet she was very suspicious. I didn’t “look” like the type of person she normally sees. She asked a lot of questions and I answer them truthfully. I told her I would rather be having kidney stone surgery again than to be there applying for aid. And I apologized more times than I remember.

I told her about my kids, my book, my hopes, dreams, and fears. I told her that I’m selling my house, and miscellaneous things to raise money so I could buy food for my children. My (now) ex-husband was also having an affair and he blamed me for his firing, again. There wasn't a single bit of pride left in me as I bore my soul to this stranger.

Then she did something I hadn’t expected. She stood up, walked over to me, and gave me the biggest hug; squeezing me so tightly and whispered into my ear as tears were rolling down her face. She promised me that “God is listening to your prayers.” She said, “He hears you and He wants you to know that He will help you. Don’t give up, not now. You’re too close, my friend.”

To say I lost it would be a vast understatement. The thing I most feared in my life was something that gave me the most hope I have realized in a very long time. This time I felt the depth of the hurt, dread, and unease that my mother had experienced. And I fully understood it without judgment. At the same time, I felt the rise of hope that she never did. And I was humbled.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I haven’t any idea when my house will sell, relieving me of my debt. It remains to be seen whether I qualify for aid because of this economy. But I do have the promise that I received, and I believe it. I have a new understanding of charity. Food or monetary relief that isn’t the only way to lift one another; honest, heartfelt compassion can do more than anything can.

This was a lesson I need not to have feared. I wasted a tremendous amount of my life doing so. This is just another one of those funny things that happen on the way to my future.

"Life unexpected, but welcomed nonetheless" (November 13, 2010)

One month ago, on October 14, 2010 my oldest daughter, Jennifer was married to a wonderful man named Garrison in Mesa, Arizona on a very hot, autumn day.

Many thoughts and worries crept into my mind as I tried to prepare to become a mother of a married child. Does my status as a parent change much? Do I stop parenting? And if so, how? What do I do now that she’s married? Is life as I know it as a mother over or is it only the beginning of something more beautiful?

The only things in my life that I have invested my whole might, mind and spirit in have been to the God and my children. They are the reasons for my existence. It seems as I’ve always believed in God, therefore I’ve continually prayed. Becoming a mother was a similar experience as I prayed my children to me…

We live in Delaware so I traveled all day with my children to Mesa, Arizona on airplanes. It was a very challenging experience because my ten year old, Noah is highly allergic to everything. I pre-boarded with him as he showed the stewardesses a card stating that he’s allergic to peanut dust. My other children boarded with us as well. The youngest was four, my fourteen year old has autism and my oldest I was traveling with that day is sixteen. Yes, she was even more difficult to travel with than the other three combined.

We accustomed ourselves to the Arizona time and climate for several days prior to the wedding. The weather was beautiful, though it did get hot for a few days. Noah has never experienced such good health as he did there. The condo was spacious and the pool was refreshing. We anticipated hating Arizona because of the heat. But instead something unexpected happened; the kids and I were pleasantly surprised that we fell in love with Arizona.

The day of the wedding was somewhat a blur and I felt more like an accessory than a contributor. All I did was show up with kids in tow. I didn’t help pick out Jennifer’s dress, veil, shoes, etc. because she was in Utah and I was in Delaware when all of that happened.

While my children were growing up, I often envisioned what their weddings would be like. I imagined I’d assist picking out dresses, gushing over their veils, and helping with bouquets. The menu would be discussed over thorough taste testing, the wedding cake drooled over, and the table centerpieces would be made by us all the while reminiscing over years bygone.

But I was in awe of the way Jennifer and Garrison managed to attend school full time, work full time and plan wedding in Mesa, Arizona while living in Provo, Utah. I don’t know anyone else who could have pulled it off as eloquently as they did.

We had some minor health issues (heat stroke, jet lag, earaches, etc.) that required my duties as a mother. I easily found an urgent care center for the earache, the jet lag was slept off and the heatstroke was eventually alleviated. Thankfully, crisis was averted again.

The reception was topnotch with an incredible photographer, dazzling videographer and an amazing organizer. Jennifer was the most beautiful bride I’ve ever seen! Garrison was also dashing and is such a gentleman.

Thankfully, I don’t feel as though I’ve lost a daughter, but rather that I gained another family. My daughter’s in-laws are exceptional people and I am very grateful for their loving influences.

Their engagement came to pass on July 3, 2010, five years after they were introduced at EFY, in the very location they met in Buena Vista, Virginia. They soon lost touch for a long period of time, but found each other many years later at BYU.

In just a few short months, they were married in the Mesa, Arizona Temple. And it was the most exquisite miracle I have ever witnessed. Life unexpected, but welcomed nonetheless.

"To Have a Friend, One Must Be a Friend..."

What are you supposed to feel like to be called crazy by people who barely know you? Or even by those who claim to be your friend? And why would they call you a friend if they feel this way about you?

It’s impossible for any one person to know all there is about you when they have only experienced a small portion of your life. Unless they completely understand your history, struggled with your trials, felt your anguish, heartache or happiness there isn’t anyone alive who can say they fully grasp another person's life story.

Flippant remarks based upon nothing more than armchair diagnosis of psychosis is a dangerous habit to develop. It alienates those who are doing the scrutinizing and also reflects poorly on them rather than on their target. Also it serves no constructive purpose.

The world is full of enough pain and suffering to add further injury and harm to those who are not deserving of bullying tactics of others. The old adage, “if you don’t have anything nice to say then say nothing at all” can apply to everyone throughout their lives.

What you say and especially what you chose not to say about others reveals a lot about you and your character. Almost anyone has the ability to take a conversation, turn it into a confrontation and elevate it into a huge, out of control, over the top, drama laden mess. It takes calm, selfless and willing participate to back away and to deescalate the situation.

The most articulate, cunning, and criticizing person doesn’t automatically win the war on words. There is never a winner when everyone loses. Unless the purpose is to estrange people, there isn’t any benefit in engaging in behavior that only causes more strife.

The point of this is that if you are friends with people and wish to remain friends then curb your tongue. If you want to be a friend, then offer a shoulder or your ear. Stop further victimization and reach out to strengthen their resolve. Sometimes only being available to listen to them vent is all that’s needed. It’s not about being right; it’s about compassion, understanding, and extinguishing the fire of adversity when and if you can.

Some people come into other person's life for a reason, some for a season and others for a lifetime. Make your time in someone else’s life count for something positive. Walk away with dignity and honor if your usefulness has been fulfilled.

Leave every relationship better than you found it and more enriched for having been a part of it. Remember that people may forget what you’ve done for them and what you gave to them, but they will never forget how you made them feel. And it costs absolutely nothing to make another person feel better. To have a friend, one must be a friend.