"What Would I Say?"

Upon recent meditation of my current life events, I pondered where I am at age forty-six, from where I was at twenty-one years of age. My perspectives of hope, aspirations, humor, shortcomings, fears, angsts, and happiness among others, are familiar companions as I query my actions, and at times, the lack thereof. If a dialogue ensued between my younger self and I, amending my erstwhile reactions to situations that have occurred, what would I say?

In preservation of equality, my younger self would also commune to me. And to ensure that the “Butterfly effect” or the chaos theory wasn’t employed, I tightened the conditions of the exchange to use only words and not future or past events. I cannot tell my younger self not to marry or any specific situation that I wanted to avoid or adjust the outcome.

It should be noted that I’ve finally reached the point in my life where I actually like myself. I admire my values, steadfastness in purpose, acquired skills and education (thus far), my abilities to triage a situation and quickly find a solution and tenacity in convictions. I have a deeper understanding of the whys in my life and a firm grasp that things are always changing. With that being stated, here is a possible scenario what my mature self would tell my idyllic younger self if given the opportunity.

The heartbreaking grief of losing your mother at such a tender age after much tragedy and misfortune is evident in your eyes. It’s imperative that you cannot fathom how long this heartache will linger, and at times worsen. You’re in the process of planning to wed the person who has been your friend for over five years, with the expectation that you’ll always be friends and lovers. You understandably crave security and stability in a time of your life where neither exists. Having experienced some of the most defiling, humiliating and terrifying ordeals, you still believe that people are basically good.

Because you have felt immense pain, you appreciate diminutive joy. Encounters of brutal maliciousness have left discernible fear in you, yet you reach out to others to ease their burdens. Hold fast to your worth which is considerably more than others suppose. Periodically, hope will be your only guide, so never lose sight of her. In the words of A.A. Milne, “Promise me you’ll always remember: you’re braver than you think, and stronger than you believe, and smarter than you think.” (Christopher Robin to Pooh Bear).

My youthful self would respond by reiterating that I promised to realistically live as honest, trustworthy and unselfishly as humanly possible. I knew that life would be difficult, and would try to break me, but that I had determination and perseverance to endure what was offered. If one day I ever forget how it felt to be loved, then I would go outside and look up. I would know that was a sign to me that I still believed in God, and my younger self was consciously aware that one day I would need an aide-mémoire.

The taste of honeysuckle in the summer; the crunch of falling leaves in the autumn; the warmth of a crackling fire in the winter; and the smell of fresh flowers in the spring would also serve as reminders that though circumstances in life would change, I am still the same. My younger self would also encourage me to keep learning new things and meeting new friends. Because as long as my mind is constantly engaged in acquiring new skills, concepts and education, I will continue to be true to myself. And it’s by loving people, and not things that I will always land on my feet regardless of whatever situation is presented to me.

My two selves are content knowing that the places of time where they exist are exactly where they were meant to be. Both are battle weary, though hope yet lingers. Mistakes were made; nonetheless, forgiveness found them. If by experiencing life that I am what I’ve become then I am eternally grateful for them. My younger self will continue to have hope that my future self will find the elusive peace, joy and love. My older self can appreciate the tenacity long since acquired and honed while continuing to hold out hope to eventually find peace, joy and love. 

"Got Respect?"

Throughout my life I’ve met innumerous multifaceted people, learned of their stories, triumphs and trials, and have come to realize there are decidedly different approaches of what respect entails. With many children I’ve encountered, respect means developing a sense of self and grasping that everyone is unique, though similar. There is acceptance of others regardless of gender, race, religion, and differing abilities. This is not to be confused with a child’s natural curiosity of why someone is peculiar to them because they may be in a wheelchair, have a Seeing Eye dog, or perhaps even multiple tattoos; these things may prompt an innocent question. For the most part, once a child is satisfied with an answer, they are accepting of the person. The first step to respect someone is to accept them.

As people age, their wants, needs, and desires wax and wane as they mature, for the most part. Societies are influenced by events, whether social, political, environmental or various others as well as persuasive people.  Over time, some individuals can develop extraordinary compassion while others may become severely narcissistic. It has been widely expressed that the people who experience the most horrific and painful hardships are usually the people who show the most compassion towards others. Many people, who have not endured serious tragedies or have had a relatively easy life devoid of emotional or traumatic experiences, may be able to feel empathy but not usually on the same levels as someone who has tremendously suffered.

At times, unremitting afflictions seem to happen to particular individuals that make one ponder if there isn’t a perpetual raincloud assigned to them as they hardly ever find a reprieve for long. Amazingly enough, these folks have developed the ability to accept challenges, steadfastly surmount adversities and then overcome them. Oftentimes these humble and sincerely amiable individuals have been tried by the worse life has had to offer, yet their compassion grows with every hurdle conquered. Ironically, a myriad of persons are confusingly hostile, intensely jealousy and speak contemptuously about those who are the ones enduring the sorrow and pain. I guarantee that not one of these judgmental people could survive a tenth of the torment that some have been required to endure.

The lack of compassion, and therefore disrespect towards others, is so prevalent in our ever progressing society where unbridled wants, desires and greed permeates every social economic status, religion, race, or anything else measurable. Companies such as Enron, Halliburton, AIG and many others who were/are managed by unscrupulous persons who have absolutely no regard for others will always crop up. Nevertheless, there will always be incredibly caring people like Mother Teresa and Erin Brockvich just to name a couple, who pledged to stand up for the underprivileged, disadvantaged and others without a voice.

In the “Giving Pledge,” Warren Buffet, along with 81 billionaires who have pledged to give more than half of their wealth to charitable organizations; as many governments around the world have decreased their assistance due to the global recession. Warren Buffet has donated an unparalleled amount of 37 billion dollars alone. He says he wants to change the way rich people think about philanthropy. By giving of yourself, whether it’s time or money, you’re demonstrating that people are worthy of respect regardless of their social status, race, religion, etc. Some of the “haves” realized that they are truly blessed. Perhaps through their diligence, intelligence, better family structure, experience, knowledge, contacts or any other advantage that is lacking in many who are subjected to sojourn through life in dire straits.

Billionaires agreeing to pledge an enormous amount of their wealth through philanthropy to those in need, will experience the inimitable sensation of the greatest gift of life, which is charity. “And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.” 1 Cor 13:13. Some people have grasped the concept that by being charitable, and likewise respectful of others, they can help to change the world into a gentler, enjoyable place to dwell.

"Dating"

I’ve had an exceedingly busy summer this year with my children, friends, and school among other things. Although it’s been extremely hot here on the east roast (coast), coupled with the high humidity, I’ve managed to enjoy the freedom that is associated with summer.

I married at a very young age, many moons ago then divorced and (foolishly) remarried again. I never predicted that I’d be dating at this point in my life. I’ve met some wonderful people since I’ve been reintroduced to society and a few of them have kindly suggested some guys to date; amazingly enough, we’re still very close friends, though we have all discovered that those people are not who they claimed to be.

I’m a huge proponent that action speaks louder than words. Anyone can say they want to do something, not many follow through however. When I tell my children or my friends that I will do something, then I will move Heaven and earth to fulfill that promise. If there is any reason that I cannot do as I said, I will immediately make it known and brainstorm a backup plan. I will never schedule a project, outing, etc. and simply pretend I never said it. I may not haven much in the way of material things, but I believe integrity is more precious than any gem, money, gold or other status symbol the world worships.

I’ve only dated a handful of men, with only two of which I am still on speaking terms. Obviously when you spend the first couple of days or weeks getting to know each other, it appears everyone wants to portray their best side. I’m always upfront and genuine with those I meet. I do not partake of illegal drugs, nor do I want to associate with anyone who does. I’m not judging anyone; it’s just that my standards are different. This one fellow in particular enlightened me that he occasionally liked to sniff.

We no longer speak because he wasn’t intelligent enough to know that no illegal drugs mean absolutely no illegal drugs. I won’t go to jail for anyone. I don’t care how eloquently you spin your talk; I’m not attracted to liars. I was married to one for far too long. I have the unique chance to live life on my terms, there’s no way I’m going to settle for less than I deserve from anyone. Respect and integrity, especially honesty, are the most important aspects of my life. I have zero patience for deceivers, liars, cheaters, and fake people.

Another person liked to call me distasteful names. That lasted all of ten minutes. He still attempts to get in contact with me though I have thwarted every avenue and will not respond to him at all. I guess in his mind’s eye, I’m interested though I am not, and never was. After spending several times a week for months on end speaking to counselors concerning the domestic violence my children and I have endured it has become much easier to ascertain the red-flag behaviors that abusers send up. If anyone wants to speak to me, they do it in a civilized manner or not bother. If you raise your voice to me it better be because there is a fire or some other emergency that warrants it, because otherwise you will never have the opportunity to speak to me again.

One guy was put off because according to him, I had too much baggage. I suggested that we should never speak again. My children aren’t baggage, they’re people. I have had all of my children within wedlock and have welcomed them as they came. I do not expect any man to raise my children, take upon my responsibilities as a parent or worry fruitlessly about things that are not of his concern. I simply went on a date. I’m not asking anyone to pay my bills, move in, or any other such nonsense.

Consequently, I never have my children meet anyone I’m dating because my children mean far too much to me to do that. My children have met a few of my friends, because I keep a tight rein on those whom I introduce my kids to. Not everyone is awarded that privilege. Eventually I found out this guy had several felonies for crimes much like my ex and he had the nerve to say my kids were baggage. Good riddance and don’t ever bother to contact me again.

Dating isn’t nearly as fun as some people like to think that it is. I guess that’s why there are a lot of people who have affairs; they don’t want the responsibility of discovering if a new person they meet is worthy of their time or not. I’ve never cheated on anyone and have never been the “other woman” nor do I plan on ever doing so. I know what it feels like to be cheated on. Once the trust is gone in a relationship, as far as I’m concerned, there’s nothing else worth salvaging.

I also don’t play games, so dating is almost torture for someone like me. I won’t ask a guy out, won’t give anyone my number and won’t call a guy. Call me old fashioned, but it’s my life so I make and live by my own rules. Unless and until I’m in a committed relationship, where it’s not just me doing all the committing, I will date whomever I wish. Don’t expect me to wait for you to get back to me, while you’re doing whatever you want whenever you want. I will also be doing whatever I want because I answer to no one.

My dating list is short, not so sweet, and the thought of getting to know someone on an intimate, personal not sexual, level is getting tiresome. I understand that life happens, circumstances change scheduled events, and not everything goes as planned. I do have six children. I’m kind of used to the unexpected. What I do not like is uncertainties. Specifically say what you mean, mean what you say and then follow through or otherwise just save your breath for someone willing to listen to your lies because it isn’t me.

Some of my friends have suggested that guys may be intimidated by me because I’m intelligent, articulate, compassionate, kind and not afraid to own my voice. Although I’m super busy, I always find time to volunteer, or help out a friend. I rearrange my schedule to accommodate others. I willingly give to help stop the hurt wherever the need may be. I’m not perfect; I have many faults and will always be working towards making myself better tomorrow than I was yesterday until my last breath.

If anyone is intimidated by me, then chances are I won’t want to date them anyway. If I ever decide to be in a committed relationship again, the man has to have his sense of self, hobbies, values and morals. I just don’t have it in me to raise another mama’s boy. I have to be as much of a priority to him as he is to me and will not tolerate being treated as an option ever again; because there are way too many fish in the sea to settle for just anyone who bites. I’m actually enjoying my life for the first time, being alone, doing my own thing, discovering what I like and what I refuse to deal with any longer. Life truly is good.