"Trust"

I had the opportunity to take my children with me to the beach for a week this summer. My friends asked me to come help them as one of them is fairly far along with child. Our best friend also went with us to the beach. We call each other soul sisters because of the similar pasts we share, the way we respect one another, and are willing to help each other no matter what. I’m the middle sister. The younger sister is a beautiful woman, extremely intelligent, wonderfully compassionate and pregnant with her sixth child. The older sister is also very beautiful, tremendously insightful with the ability to see more than others around her while being so full of energy she acts like over twenty years younger than she is. The day we were to leave for the beach, the older sister was in an accident caused by an Irishman who backed into her driver’s side door. She took it in stride because it was an accident after all.

We spent our days on the beach, watching children play in the sand and rinse off in the water. Because the older sister was hurt, she had to stay on the blanket, but she was so concerned about the children, her eyes never left them. The youngest sister stayed out of the water as well. And as most pregnant women would attest, she had severe reservations of allowing the children to play in the water that looked suddenly more dangerous since she was pregnant. I had the task of taking the youngest three children out into the water; one at a time for the most part. I’m a fairly good swimmer, but sometimes rogue waves are known to break at the most inopportune time. The wipeouts didn’t cause any lasting damage, but it gave me the chance to share some life lessons with the children.

When we stood at the shoreline watching the waves roll in, we could tell which wave would swell and become a wipeout wave for the most part. I showed the children to get out of the way if they had time, but if they didn’t, they were to turn their backs to the wave and allow it to break on them. The first few times they didn’t quite grasp the concept that standing head-on while facing a wave crest and allowing it to break on you usually caused wipe-outs. However, by turning your back to the wave, bending at the knees, and having your back take the break, the most that happened was we got soaked. By the end of the week, all of the children knew to turn their backs on the waves if they couldn’t get out.

A similar lesson was taught for the kids that I had taken with me past the breaking point of the waves. After convincing the youngest sister that it was actually safer beyond the breaks, she allowed me to take the kids there. The children and I would talk about all sorts of things. Whatever came to mind is what we discussed; it was genuinely treasured serendipity. I believe that the entire beach trip was like that as well. I will remember mostly for the ability to strengthen the relationship bonds with my youngest two children as well as with my friends and their children.

While out past the breaking point, where we could witness the waves cresting and crashing on the beach but not experience it, we simply floated with the rise and fall of the water. At times we noticed that as boats and personal watercraft drove by that the waves would be quicker and higher. Sometimes we didn’t have the ability to avoid the waves or float with them. Some waves we either took head-on or dived under because it was safer. When we decided which waves we could dodge, we knew we had to cling tightly to one another, hold our breath and close our eyes as I dove under the crest.

We never had a wipe out when we were prepared. The children learned to trust me because they knew that I had their backs. I would never intentionally put them in harm’s way, nor would I forsake what I said I would do. My word was my bond period. Over the course of the week, they learned that if I said I would do something, then regardless of whether I felt like doing it, I followed through. It was important to me to instill in them that integrity means more to me than anything else. Don’t promise what you cannot or refuse to deliver. Save your breath and your time if your word means nothing.

There were some times that called for a change of venue. One day we packed lightly (we actually learned a lot during the trip as well) to head to the beach to swim for just a couple of hours. We brought only two buckets, two shovels, four beach towels, and a bedsheet because I hate to lie on sand and sheets shake out much better than towels. We had only been on the beach for a few minutes when a quick passing shower kept us out of the water. It was over with quickly and the sun had come back out blazing again. The girls played by the water’s edge as I watched black rolling clouds creep in from the south. The older sister was watching the girls and people around us, making sure we weren’t near any creeps, while my eyes were on the weather and the girls.

I thought I heard thunder so that alerted me to gather the girls and our things. The older sister hadn’t heard the rumble, but she listened to me anyway. As we were packing up and trying to explain why we had to cut the beach trip short, a streak of lightning flashed over the ocean and thunder cracked loudly over the sounds of the surf. The girls and I were off the beach before the lifeguards called everyone out of the water. I am adverse to weather anomalies. I detest the storms that enthrall others. I prefer to enjoy tempered weather and temperatures with no hint of thrill seeking weather chasers. I simply do not possess the gene that causes me to get excited about tornadoes, thunderstorms, blizzards, floods or any other type of calamity. A calm cool breeze, lightly falling rain, softly falling snow are the kinds of things that I enjoy.

We took the girls off the beach to the truck to wipe the sand off of them. They were used to rinsing off the sand in the ocean water, as if. By the time we got to the vehicle the sand brushed off easily anyway, but they wanted to take a shower. While carefully explaining how dangerous lightning is around water, we assured them we would go back on the beach when the storm passed. The older sister spoke to the lifeguard who clarified that Delaware beaches don’t allow anyone on the beach until thirty minutes after the last sound of thunder or one hour after the last lightning strike. That meant it was time to go home.

Disappointed that their beach excursion was cut short, the girls nonetheless understood that sometimes plans have to change due to unplanned circumstances out of our control. However, they learned this in a tempered way because it was the weather that had caused the change of plans and not our inability to follow through on our promises. They knew and understood that when we said we would do something, we did it.

Integrity is an uncommon trait today as people do what they want, when they want and how they want. Perhaps more amazingly, the United States has the highest incarceration rate of the world. Though Americans only account for less than five percent of the world’s population, nearly one quarter of the world’s entire inmates have been incarcerated in the United States in recent years. Why is it a country founded on solid, integrity and moral foundations have the most incarcerated people on the face of the earth? Why is it in the land of the free and the home of the brave, that people do not feel the need to be ethically sound? If every person decided for one day that they would honor their words, follow through with their intentions, not make promises they refused to keep, perhaps we would have the happiest day the world has ever experienced, even if for only a day.

Regardless of what the rest of the world does, I will continue to teach my children the importance of integrity. Working hard, being kind, showing compassion are not luxurious attributes, unless you don’t possess them. Say what you mean, mean what you say, then follow through or else don’t waste your breath. Thinking before speaking should be commonsense, but thinking before promising the world and offering nothing is fundamentally sound advice.

I will ask for nothing of anyone, but it’s because I trust very few people.  It’s rare for me to find in others the same level of commitment to integrity that I possess. These select few have become my most trusted friends. Everyone else I keep at a safe distance from me, unless and until they can prove to me that their word is their bond; because frankly, if I can’t trust you, we have very little in common.   

"Death Penalty"

Passion is at the heart of the argument for or against the death penalty. There are many people who ardently oppose the death penalty for valid and sound reasons. Considerations about the nature of the crime, the age of the offender, the type of crime committed, the childhood of the defendant, are just a few motivational factors weighed in their staunch support of abolishing the death penalty.

However, I do believe that death penalty to be an ultimate deterrent as the offended will never have the opportunity to commit another crime against society. It seems as though America’s smallest, most vulnerable citizen has many supporting their murder through abortion. However, there are those who deliberately murder while committing other crimes and they should pay the ultimate price for taking the life of another, especially a child, a woman, and elderly.

The death penalty could indeed be a deterrent if it was carried out efficiently after proving guilt with concrete evidence. For one thing, the person would never be able to hurt another soul, and others who may contemplate committing atrocious crimes would see that murder would be dealt with swiftly and severely.

On July 23, 2007 in Cheshire, Connecticut a family was decimated by the acts of two callous, criminal-minded men who planned on robbing their house, leaving the family of four bound as they fled the scene. Somewhere along the way, they changed their minds, kidnapped the family, committed sexual assaults on the young girls and mother, murdered the mother, bludgeoned the father, and set fire to the house killing the young girls. Only the father survived the deadly assault. Both Steven J. Hayes and Joshua A. Komisarjevsky were convicted on all counts and sentenced to death. 

Sandra Cantu was an eight year old child who on March 27, 2009 was kidnapped, raped and, murdered by her playmate’s mother. It has been suggested that Sandra was killed in the church where Melissa Huckaby’s grandfather is a minister. Huckaby attempted suicide prior to her arrest on April 10, 2009. Melissa Huckaby pleads guilty to avoid the death penalty. It is my opinion that the option to plead out to avoid the death penalty should not have been offered. If the evidence was clear and beyond a shadow of a doubt, then Huckaby should have been tried, found guilty and sentenced to death.

Scott Peterson murdered his eight months pregnant wife, Laci Peterson on Christmas Eve in 2002. On April 23, 2003 the remains of a fetus washed ashore from the San Francisco Bay in California. The following day, a female torso washed up on shore on the same area. Peterson was arrested on April 18, 2003 carrying multitudes of items including fifteen thousand dollars in cash, suggesting that he planned on running away indefinitely. March 15, 2005 Scott Peterson was sentenced to death for the death of his wife. Eight years later, Peterson’s attorney filed a 423 page appeal of the death sentence. The result has yet to be determined. 

These three cases show that some people can be cold-hearted, malevolent and dangerous without regard for anyone’s life. There is no misunderstanding that these people willingly engaged in the murder of innocent victims. By sentencing them to death, it will ensure that there will be no opportunity to ever hurt another person again. It may allow others to grasp that society does not condone murder and that murderer’s will be guaranteed a spot on death row.

Many people may argue that the people who killed others had a horrible childhood, or they are loved by their family, or perhaps had several disadvantages growing up. Rarely do people have a perfectly wonderful childhood. Nothing that anyone experiences warrants the excuse to murder another person, especially a child, during the commission of other crimes, or callously because they simply think they can get away with murder. Society doesn’t have to live by “an eye for an eye,” but sometimes certain crimes sanction the ultimate penalty of death.

"A Cold Night in Hell"

Late January 2011, I was told by a family court judge to get into a shelter immediately with my children as he signed a protection from abuse for me. I had documentation proving my reasons for asking for one, and the judge went a step further stating with a flourish, that he was signing my death warrant by granting my request. He also mentioned that this piece of paper won’t stop a bullet, a knife or a fist. He warned me not to go to any family member or friend’s house with my children as we would not only be in grave danger but we would also bring the danger to them as well. The judge made damn sure that I understood the gravity of the situation because by the time he was done explaining everything to me I was sobbing at the table wondering what the hell happened.

I drive home in the cold, dark night wondering where to go and how I would get there. My first ex-husband, the father of the oldest four of my children, gave me money and told me where I could safely go. I took my youngest four children with me as I watched my oldest son drive off into the night. My heart was breaking for what he was experiencing and I was powerless to stop it. In spite of the fear, trepidation, and overwhelming concern that I had for our safety, I decided to make a mini-vacation out of our impromptu fleeing from insanity. We ended up at a hotel where no one would find us while waiting for a court hearing. It had an indoor pool and the children were blissfully unaware of the dire situation we were in for the most part.

         After three days we had to move to another undisclosed place to wait for the hearing. The children were excited about the prospect of having a kitchen and several televisions at our disposal. I purchased food that I knew they would enjoy but still had some nutritional value. I figured they were the ones who were being inconvenienced the most, so I wanted to appease them as much as I could.

The second place was quickly scanned for anything suspicious; the children bathed and settled down for the night when I turned my attention to unloading the vehicle. It was bitter cold that night, with temperatures hovering in single digits. It was the night before my son’s eleventh birthday and I had been praying that this birthday would be better than the previous one when his father had been fired from his job for the first of two times that year. Yet didn’t tell me until it was way too late.

My son’s birthday was ruined as his father argued how everything in his life that had gone wrong was my fault. It was then that something inside of me clicked and I decided that I was not going to allow anyone to ever use me or accuse me of things that I had not done ever again. I had not caused his kidney stone, made him get arrested for anything (especially since his prison time was well before I had met him and he had hid his criminal history from me for over twelve years), nor was I ever the cause of his many firings from his jobs.

That freezing cold night, with snow covering the ground, is when my ten year old vehicle decided to not shut off properly. If I shut off the truck, the interior lights would stay on, draining my battery quickly and I needed to be at court early the following morning. I had taken everything inside the hotel; there wasn’t so much as a blanket, pillow or jacket in the vehicle. Not a single water bottle, a piece of gum or anything at all to eat.

It was ten PM when I decided I had to keep the vehicle running or take the risk of not making it to court. The temperature gauge on the truck read ten degrees, then it dropped to nine degrees. I tried calling a couple of people to ask them to bring me a screw driver so I could disconnect the battery. No one could or would come to my aid. I finally found a maintenance man and asked for a screw driver. He tried to loosen the screw, but he was shaking so badly from the cold he couldn’t disconnect the battery. I tried it and though I was cold, the rust on the battery screw was so tight that it broke the small screw driver without budging it at all.

I called my ex-husband to beg him to bring me a screw driver, yet he said he couldn’t. I hung up, cussed him out in my head then prayed that he would never have to experience the cold like I was doing. He kept texting me throughout the night asking if I was asleep. Oftentimes I wouldn’t answer his texts because I was so angry and cold that I knew I could never take back anything I wrote, so I didn’t write anything. I had the heat on full blast but because I was sitting with the truck idling in front of the hotel where my children were sleeping as the cold enveloped the vehicle, encircling it and somehow making even colder.

A friend from the west coast was talking to me. He’s a truck driver and was driving through Montana in weather just as nasty. He could hear my voice get groggy and he asked me if I had a window cracked. I said no, it was too cold and the exhaust would come right into my truck. He admonished me to open a window now, and after ten minutes I could close it until an inch was opened. Apparently his concern was carbon monoxide poisoning; something that hadn’t even crossed my mind. After about ten minutes he let me roll back up my window. By then I was so cold I couldn’t stop shaking. My cell phone was growing warm from talking on it and it provided the only warmth that I had that night.

My ex-husband continued to contact me throughout the night. I answered him sometimes, my temper long since calm. But my fingers were so numb that I could hardly text. After eight and a half excruciating hours of bone chilling cold, I simply said screw it. I went inside, the interior lights stayed on until my brother in law could come and cut the actuators in my vehicle door panels; he thought that would help, but it didn’t. When I crawled into bed I kept on my sweatshirt, Ugg boots, and used every available blanket inside the room that the kids weren’t using. The heat was turned up to 75 degrees, yet as I lay in bed I couldn’t stop shaking. After approximately two hours I had to get up to get ready for court. I showered but there wasn’t any hot water, adding insult to my already miserable night. The management apologized and said that a waterline broke due to the extreme cold.

I went to court, having been up for over twenty-four hours and was granted another temporary order. I came back to the hotel and simply crashed. I had my sister watching my children and she made us some food because she knew I hadn’t eaten in days. I passed out, still cold and still frightened from the experience. A few hours later when I awoke I felt somewhat better. I would eventually end up with pneumonia that would take me four months to recover from completely.

       A while later, long after this ordeal was over, I spoke to my ex and he told me why he could come bring me a screw driver that night. He said his wife had seen my estranged husband on their deck looking into their sliding glass door. They even have him on video because they have surveillance cameras installed outside their home. My ex told me he slept with his handgun under his pillow after seeing the boot prints in the snow on the deck. The police had been called but nothing was done because he had already left.

I thought I had been cold that night that I had to endure single digit temperatures, but when he had explained his reason for not coming, I unconsciously shivered. The judge had been right after all. My children would have been in danger had they stayed with their father. My ex-husband said that he wished that he would have come back to give him a reason to shoot him and I can’t help but think the same. The irony is that my second ex-husband thinks that he can ask my first one to testify for him. What he doesn’t realize is the deep-seated hatred for him because our children were put in danger. At best my first ex-husband be a hostile witness, and I can’t help but think it would not go well.

Many times people are put into situations where they have no control over the circumstances. Some people fare well, and others do not. Very few people rise from the ashes to become stronger, more compassionate and understanding. My children and I are such people. There isn’t anything that can happen to us that we cannot overcome. We have formed such a tight bond that no one could ever hope to weaken it. We have survived some of the most tumultuous situations, but somehow we became better for having done so.

Our journey isn’t through, and I hesitated sharing this with anyone prior to the conclusion of it. However, it has been nearly a year and a half since that dreadful night and I can still sense the foreboding fear of being found, falling asleep and never waking, or worse. I stayed awake to ensure no one walked passed or trespassed our hotel room. I noticed every single thing. It would be inconceivable to explain that night with mere words. I imagine that many have felt the same when they have served in wars over the years. My experience certainly would be similar to theirs. I feared the enemy. Only I knew who he was; I just didn’t know where he was, until my ex-husband told me.

I absolutely abhor cold weather, and probably suffer a bit from post traumatic stress when I see a snowflake, but I am no longer afraid anymore.