"Giving Thanks"

Sometimes you just have to realize how much you’ve been blessed and simply give thanks. Blessings can come in all sorts of means, manners, and avenues; but giving thanks, that just comes from the heart.

I’m often told not to worry so much about things. I smile and think to myself, everything I truly worry about never happens, so worrying must help somewhat, right?

I’m at a point in my life where I can see how far I’ve come and appreciate the journey that has taken place. I understand that by experiencing life’s events you gain a deeper perspective and gratitude for safe harbors when you come to them.

As a parent, I’ve had many opportunities to comfort and nurture my children. I’ve spent many sleepless nights worrying about illnesses and many other things my children have endured. The last thought on my mind is about the safety and well-being for my family and friends. I could no more forget to pray before I fall asleep then I could forget to breathe.

Circumstances over the past two years have caused extreme stress for my family and me. These situations were mostly beyond my control; I had to triage them and determine the best course of action. Many of these events or circumstances I’ve not dealt with before so it was extremely intimidating to discern the correct assessment which would provide the optimal outcome.

Then I learned something about grace. It was because I had the best intentions that I managed to skirt most of the worst-case scenarios. By removing my expectations, desires and wants from the situations, it allowed room for some incredible phenomena to enter in. I met a multitude of intelligent, compassionate and influential people willing to offer me sage advice to maneuver through the uncharted waters that was my life.

Trusting strangers was a foreign concept for me; and yet, that’s all I had to rely upon for my most daring adventures. Trusting that my children would be safe and out of harm’s way was an extremely hard lesson to apply in my life; nevertheless, once everything was stripped down to just the bare essentials, trust was all that I had left.

Once it became apparent that all I could do was all that I could do, I had to learn to trust others to do all they could do. I cannot make the sun rise or set earlier or later than it does. I cannot ensure that scary things won’t happen to my children. I cannot control what I cannot control, and that was a liberating feeling to comprehend.

Last night we experienced a weather anomaly that I abhor. It the darkest hour of the night and without warning a storm blew through. The electricity went off so there was no way to know how bad the weather would get, what to expect and when it would be over. The kids were safely tucked into their beds, and I simply said a prayer.

Upon awakening I surveyed the storm’s wrath. Tree limbs were sheared off not more than twenty-five feet from out home. Bark was stripped off the trees, circular patterns in the fields and a distinctive path of “something” was proof that the storm was more than I had imagined. And yet, I went to sleep amidst the howling, cracks of thunder and intensely bright lightning flashes.

I didn’t even think to worry or stress about the storm last night. By the morning light, I realized that even without my worrying, we were blessed anyway. I am grateful for life events that happen to let me know that I am truly protected even during my darkest hours; especially when I don’t realize are my dreariest times.

My life may not have taken the paths that I had anticipated, planned and expected. Instead, my paths have led me to places I never would have gone without having the intervention of my most incorrigible moments. I have found the most loving, faithful and trustworthy friends during my darkest hours. I would never in a million years agree to the amount of suffering and torment I’ve experienced to get to where I am. But now that I am here, I would never trade what I’ve experienced to go back to where I was.

My blessings have exceeded my expectations and my gratitude is genuine. I have decided that it is good that we do not know what lies before us because then we can allow our faith to see us through. Does this mean I’ll stop worrying? I’d like to think yes, but I know that I will always be concerned with others, especially my children and loved ones. But I’m learning to let go and trust. And that is a good thing, no?

"I Believe..." (February 18, 2010)

Some people assume they're free to chastise or criticize me. I suppose I should feel so honored that they hang onto my every word that I type or say. However, if anyone takes offense to what I write, then free to ignore it. Don’t bother to rebuke, because unless you’ve walked in my shoes, you have no idea where I’ve been. And chances are, you won't ever be able to keep up with me. 

A former professor of sociology and head of the marriage & family therapy program at the University of Southern California, who received his B.A. degree from Harvard University and his PhD from Cornell, Carlfred Broderick had a lot of important counsel to share. 

He once said, “…realizing that I dealt as a therapist with many people who suffered far, far more pain than I ever suffered. I felt guilty at having been spared some of the pain that my friends had experienced.” 

He went on to explain how one time he was experiencing a toothache and he thought that was a perfect opportunity “to embrace this existential experience and to join in this pain-open myself to this pain and experience it. I told myself that I was just going to sit in this pain and take it into myself and grow from it. That lasted for forty-five minutes, at which time I called the dentist and said ‘I want some pain medicine’.” 

He went on to say, “I hate pain. I hate injustice. I hate loss. I hate all the things that we all hate…I’m certain pain destroys and embitters far more often than it ennobles. I’m sure that injustice us destructive of good things in the world far more often than people rise above it. I’m certain that in this unjust, awful world, there are far more victims who do not profit from their experience than those who do…pain is terrible.” 

He spoke of a patient, saying after they had prayed together, “The Lord told her of His love and tender concern for her. He acknowledged that He had given her (and she volunteered for) a far, far harder task than He would have liked. She had signed up for hard children who had rebellious spirits, but who were valuable; for a hard husband who had a rebellious spirit but who was valuable. Twice Heavenly Father had given her the choice between life and death, whether to come home and be relieved of her responsibilities, which weren’t going very well or to stay to see if she could work them through. Twice on death’s bed, she sent the messenger away and gone back to the hard task. She stayed with it.” 

Dr. Broderick said he “realized that he was in the presence of one of the Lord’s great, noble spirits, one who had chosen not a safe place behind the lines pushing out some ordnance to the people on the front lines as he was doing, but somebody who chose to live out in the trenches where the Lord’s work was being done, where there was risk, where you could be hurt, where you could lose, where you could be destroyed by your love. That was the way she had chosen to labor.” 

I have people in my family who have autism, ADHD, severe allergies and asthma, among other things. Perhaps I “asked “ or “volunteered” for this, or maybe the task was given to me because of the past that I managed to survive somewhat intact with more grace and courage than most could hope to do. 

Some days are much easier than other days and sometimes there are days when life simply sucks. However, I know He is aware of me. I get angry, sad & cry at times, because I am human. I have suffered from many adverse experiences in my life. But I have also felt the Spirit of God in my presence and I have been unbelievably blessed. 

Just because I vent does not mean I do not believe in Him. I have been through much, but He has also been through it with me. 

It’s so much easier to steer a rowboat away from a tree limb fallen in the water than it was for the Titanic to turn away from the submerged iceberg… 

So please don’t attempt to steer my battleship when the only experience you have in life steering is a matchbox car...I have been given this task not to fail, but to succeed. If you must comment, then encourage me. Just help me smile or laugh, because I got this.

“I believe in the sun when it isn't shining, I believe in love even when I don't feel it. I believe in God even when He's silent.” 

"The hardest things I’ve ever had to do…" (September 8, 2010)

(This is an open letter to my children; written by me when I was in the ER department after being taken there by an ambulance. of course, they thought the worse.)

The hardest things I’ve ever had to do…

The hardest things that I’ve ever had to do in my life came at a time when I didn’t know what to do, and sometimes without realizing that anything needed to be done.

Events, circumstances, and people caused upheavals, life-altering changes, or just minor adjustments that needed to be addressed, whether or not I wanted to acknowledge it.

The things that have caused me the most grief, stress, and worry always had to do with my children; how to protect, care, and provide for them, even before they were born.

Having known I would be a mother, and desiring to be the best that I could be with what I had to offer, I did the only thing that I knew I could do without failing. I prayed.

I knew at a young age that I would be a chain breaker. I didn’t know why, or even how, but I did know it had to be done. Even before I understood life as I do now, I knew that my posterity was counting on me to be more than I ever thought was possible of me.

I earnestly read the scriptures as a young child and attended whatever church was within walking distance. I was seeking guidance because I have tremendous faith in God.

By the time my first child was born, I knew that I had not even come close to learning the things I needed to overcome. Six children later, and I’m still grappling with the fact that I’m a work in progress. I had suspected that changing the course of my posterity would be difficult. However, one of the hardest things that I ever had to do was to tear down all that I was and to build myself again.

I feel like I have been in construction mode my entire life and although mighty changes have been made, progress it seems to me, has been slow.

I fear that when my time here in mortality is over, I will still be far off from my goal. I am saddened that I couldn’t begin in a better position in order to give my children a better head start.

I wake up constantly during the night and I feel sorrow for what wasn’t accomplished before I grew weary and weak from the day. There didn’t seem to be enough time to show my kids how much I love them and cherish their lives. And yet every breath I take is for them.

My children ultimately saved me. It was the promise of them in my life, the joy when they were born and the daily confirmation that they are here that has me striving to be better every day.

Because of much adversity, chaos, and static in my life, it has taken me awhile to recognize and toil through my many tribulations which I have endured. But I have also been richly blessed.

If I was assigned a task or two, I would complete them easily, with the care and attention they need. Because of that, I was entrusted with numerous responsibilities simultaneously such as autism, asthma, severe allergies and ADHD. It’s like juggling with thirty balls instead of three.

The hardest thing I had to realize was to realize that life is not unlike a scavenger hunt. We are given missions to accomplish, and the means to do so, it just sometimes we just don’t know that. We are too busy living life; eating, sleeping, working, resting, etc. to recognize there are more important things we are meant to achieve.

The hardest thing I’ve had to do was learn to forgive myself. And in order to let go of anger caused by others, by circumstances and difficult situations, I had to forgive others. It is not an event; it is a long, arduous process. And sometimes you aren’t always moving forward in that progress. You can and do fall behind. Picking up old hurts, forgotten habits, and adding to them.

But you can always begin again. Each day is a new beginning to try again. To become who you were meant to be; to bring peace and comfort to others.

The hardest thing I have ever done is to realize this life is a journey. There is not perfection here for us, only progress. It is okay to fall down, but always remember to get back up. Learn from the examples of others. There’s not enough time to make all the mistakes on your own and learn from them as well.

It’s okay to admit faults, failures, and mistakes. That’s the beginning of making things right. Forgive yourself, and move forward. Forgive others, even if they don’t deserve it, because you do. They probably won’t even realize that you have forgiven them. And that is okay, too.

The hardest thing that I have come to realize is that the promises made to you, for the promises kept by you, eventually do come true. Your disappointments, losses, and mishaps are rewarded by happiness, peace, and joy.

Until then, you have to move forward with faith. Believing that each day is a new beginning. Forgive everyone, especially yourself. Appreciate what you have and learn from your trials. Comfort those who stand in need of comforting. And remember your self-worth. You were prayed for long before that became a realization. Remember these things and then maybe you won’t have so many hard things to do.

 Love, Mom